Reprobatio Certa

The State of the University

2012-03-05T13:27:00.001-08:00

Call for Submissions
the Journal of Universal Rejection
respectfully solicits manuscripts on

"The State of the University"

• Learning lagging?

• Tuition taking off?

• Journals jinxed?

• Adjuncts agitating?

• Horrendous hazing?

• Police presence?

• Problem not easily expressed with alliteration?

→ We want to hear about it at the Journal of Universal Rejection. Send your opinion piece to j.universal.rejection@gmail.com (signed or anonymous).

We'll blog your letter at Reprobatio Certa, Tweet wildly about it, and ultimately reject you. (We are pro status quo.)

The Archer Urges Caution

2012-02-23T10:34:00.001-08:00

Dear Sir:

Thankyou for considering the Journal of Universal Rejection for the publication ofyour astronomy manuscript. The extent ofmy knowledge of astronomy is a vague understanding of the effect ofthe zodiac on the stock market. Oureditor assures me this more than qualifies me to review your paper, so let'sget right to it.

Onthe cover page you provided blanks for recording the dates of"received" and"accepted". Suchoptimism! I received your paper on December20. This places your submission under the zodiac sign of Sagittarius the archer. Consulting various reliable sources, I seethat for a paper submitted under the influence of the archer the following are applicable:

(1)"You will be lucky in matters of love"

(2)"Be generous to strangers"

(3)"Avoid physical confrontations with clowns and mimes"

(4)"Careless acceptance leads to universal destruction and misery"

Let'sreview these: (1) There’s a first timefor everything. (2) Good for your karma. (3) Excellent advice at any time. (4) Your paper is rejected.

Havea pleasant day.

Eric Chicken

Associate Editor

Time for the Metric System

2012-02-11T14:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Dr. E ,

Thank you for submitting your screed "Going Metric: a Renewed Call for Adoption of the Metric System in the U.S." to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

In your fluffy opinion piece your central claim is that "it is high time for the U.S. to move to the metric system."

We are not going to publish your piece. It is not because you don't have a good point about the metric system. On the contrary, it's that you do not go far enough. You chicken out in the same way that whatever Europeons did in whatever century when they moved to the metric system, or whatever (I'm currently boycotting Wikipedia, so cannot fill in facts like this).

How is it that you do not go far enough? You inadvertently mentioned it when you say it is "high time" to move to the metric system. Yes, it is time to switch to the meter, the kilogram, and the secoond. What is a secoond? Well the day would be broken into 10 hoors, each hoor would have 100 minootes, and every minoote would have 100 secoonds. Hence the day would be a 100 kilosecoonds long.

For those interested in the transition, 1 secoond = 0.864 seconds. So it's not all that different.

We'd have to get rid of the year. We'd use the yoor = 1 kiloday ≈ 2.73785079 years. Birthdays would be rarer. We'd all be younger!

Best,
Caleb

Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

The Boycott of Elsevier

2012-02-01T15:22:00.000-08:00

Missive from the Editor-in-Chief:

There has been much discussion and support for the unfolding boycott of Elsevier journals ignited by mathematician Tim Gowers in this blog post and discussed in this Chronicle article. Over 2000 academics have signd the pledge here to not to publish in, or otherwise support, Elsevier journals.

I, however, must throw my support on the side of Elsevier.

Indeed, I vow to never publish in the Journal of Universal Rejection any work by signatories of said pledge! So think twice before signing.

Here are some reasons:

* Many people claim Elsevier bundles unneeded journals in order to charge outrageous prices for necessary journals. This is not the case. Indeed it's a bit early to mention this, but we may be deep in negotiations to add the Journal of Universal Rejection to every bundle offered by Elsevier. That would be neato.

* Some claim Elsevier's prices are too high. Well, as an Elsevier spokesperson said, they did raise prices too much in the '80s. But she sounded really regretful. So I'm going to assume the prices'll come down. More importantly, if you calculated the price per article accessed, Elsevier's ratio comes out much(!) lower than JofUR's! What, are people going to boycott us next? Where does it end?

* A few claim "open access" journals are the way to go. Well, nope. Where would we be if JofUR were open access? No one at all would subscribe!

* True, Elsevier supports SOPA/PIPA. Well, this is a bit harder, given that JofUR came out against SOPA. But we didn't menion that we do support PIPA. It's a very nuanced position.

* Finally, as one about to enter the job market, I don't want to anger any potential employer. As they say, don't hand feed bits of oat to a horse that won't drink the water that you've led it to, though it can only cross once, never being the same river twice bitten once shy.

Reality Therapy

2012-01-26T13:27:00.000-08:00

Dear M ,

Thank you for your submission to the Journal of Universal Rejection. We appreciate that you did not send the paper, and opted instead for a bullet-pointed list. (In the future, please attached bullet-pointed lists as PowerPoint documents.)

Your list began with the claim that "reality therapy is pretty frickin' sweet." This led us to the thankfully-unblacked-out Wikipedia to read the first paragraph of the article about reality therapy.

Your submission has completely changed the life of this editor. When I read that reality therapy does not try to delve into a patient's past, but rather to focus on positive changes for the future, it reverberated to the depths of my sole (yes, I did mean to spell it that way). Could this therapy be applied to me? Don't I often hold on to past wrongs, and poison all future endeavors? Reading that paragraph, I vowed to change for the better. My wife hasn't gotten home from work yet, but when she does, I'm sure she'll be overjoyed to hear that I forgive her for throwing the toilet-paper tube into the trashbin instead of recycling it. And that she is off the hook for saying I put too much salt into last night's dinner. And I forgive my son for when he was eight months old and he bit me! Ah the release! Also my brother will be happy to hear that the vacuum-cleaner shark incident is forgotten.

Now to focus on the future. Yes, I would finally get that hair cut that has been in the offing for months. (Well, hm, maybe.... at least I'm going to clip my toenails.) And do laundry! I have big plans.

With all this heady change, I applied reality theory faster, further. Even unto the Journal of Universal Rejection. Was our title too mired in past resentment. Did all the papers we've rejected weigh on us, like... like... like... something really heavy that weighs on us? Could 'rejection' itself be considered negative? Shall we change our name? Let's see, we're supposed to focus on what we really want. And what we want is not 'rejection.'

And then the answer struck us: We only use rejection as a tool to garner prestige! Maybe we can rename the journal the Journal of Prestigious Prestigiousness! Or the Super Bestest Journal in the World. Super Bestest in the Universe! Universal Journal of Awesomeness!!

But then we thought, nah.

Your submission is rejected.

Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

... 87, 88, 89, ...

2012-01-25T11:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Tilemahos,

Thank you for submitting your research paper to the Journalof Universal Rejection. A casual glance informs me it is written in Greek. I can't readGreek, but I enjoyed flipping through your manuscript and watching thenumbers in the upper right hand corner of each page increase. At first these numbers seemed to be jumpingby 10's or 20's, but once I calmed down and proceeded in an orderly fashionmore befitting an associate editor of the world's most prestigious journal, itbecame clear that the numbers incremented by the customary step size ofone.

After this initial in-depth review of your paper, I walkedto a coffee shop to purchase and consume a fine beverage (which was evenmore delightful than usual since I drank it in a Journal of Universal Rejection CeramicTravel Mug!). I took your paper alongwith me in order to give it a quick second look. On the way to the shop I walked past severalyoung men with sequences of three Greek letters emblazoned on their clothingand headwear. Surely, they must beexperts in the Greek language! Excitedly, I showedthem your manuscript in order to form a better understanding of itsintellectual merit. Strangely, theconversation went something like this:

Me: "Excuse me,gentleman. Would you please take amoment to peruse this paper and give me your opinions of it?"

They: "Dude."

Me: "I know it'ssomewhat lengthy, but you would be providing a valuable service to the scholarlyworld."

They: "Like, duuuuude."

Me: "I take itthat you are uninterested in reviewing this?"

They: "LOL! R U nuts?"

Then they walked away, laughing.

So, I must base my decision on your manuscript without thebenefit of input from additional reviewers. It is a nice paper, with the page numbers increasing in an orderly andefficient manner. Unfortunately, this isnot enough to meet our high standards and expectations. I must reject your paper.

Sincerely,

Eric Chicken

Associate Editor

The Journal of Universal Rejection

Five JofUR Essay Topics

2012-01-23T09:13:00.000-08:00

1) Compare and contrast JofUR and /dev/null.

2) Compare and contrast JofUR and an Orwellian memory hole.

3) What I love most about JofUR.

4) If JofUR were a foodstuff, what foodstuff would it be?

5) Name five causes of the War of 1812.

ExtraTerrestrial Begs and Threatens

2012-01-20T16:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Citizen Moshanthingliodorlu Dazkoranmar:

I always appreciate a cover letter that begins with begging. It warms my heart and makes me beneficently inclined toward the submitted work, nearly as much as does your subsequent threats to my entire race pending our rejection.

Though I must say that I'm not at all sure that changing the water on Earth to blueberry juice would be such a bad idea. Was that threat or bribe?

Yes, Citizen of Planet DARMANC-917, Galaxy 509B, Quadrant II, Ward 181 (Street 53, Unit 419), nothing could please us here at the Journal more than to acknowledge you as our first alien author submission. Such a thrill would no doubt overshadow even the long-anticipated bonuses promised us by our esteemed corporate overlords.

Alas.

If I had a dollar for every alien we have rejected here at the Journal, I would have that bonus and then some. If I even had two bits for each of the legions of aliens who have sent us stories--works as remarkable as yours, I might add--who have begged and threatened to gain acceptance, why, I would have enough cash for a decent meal. Or a Starbucks latte.

Now to your submitted story. It certainly is a story, and we perceive the alienness of it peering around the words. But, to be blunt, it is a classic trope about world destruction at the hands of an all-powerful AI, and it has--oh my yes--been done before.

As an alien, of course, you wouldn't know this. I recommend to you the science fiction libraries of any number of fans who I am confident would be delighted to host your alien self for as long as it takes to devour their collection. (I mean that metaphorically; look it up.) Perhaps this will give you the necessary perspective for your next story.

Thank you for your submission.

We look forward to the blueberry juice.

--
Sonia Lyris, ExtraTerrestrial Editor
j.universal.rejection.lyris@gmail.com
Journal of Universal Rejection

Palindrome Em Or Dni Lap

2012-01-19T17:56:00.000-08:00

Dear James,

Thank you for submitting your article "Can an Algorithm for Palindrome Reversal be Written in O(log n) Time?" to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

I attempted to do a preliminary review of your article yesterday. But when you defined a 'palindrome,' you cited Wikipedia. I could not check on that, since it was SOPA Blackout Wednesday. So I just gave up.

Today, however, I drank a Redbull, and came at the problem of looking at your paper with renewed energy. All was going well for your paper until I got to your algorithm for palindrome reversal. Although I believe your abstract that polynomials can "Probably" be reversed in O(log n) time, I regret to inform you that the algorithm you provided:
For(i=0; i < n; i++)
do nothing;
runs in O(n) time!

I propose that you used a probablistic algorithm which randomly picks letter positions between 1 and floor(n/2), then switches the letter in that position with its conterpart iff the neighboring letters satisfy the Birch-Swingertown-Dying condition.

If you attempt this, we will take another look at your paper.

For now, it is rejected.

Best regards,
Caleb

p.s. We'll review your other submission sometime. Yeah.

The Contents of Our Stocking

2012-01-16T13:38:00.000-08:00

RE: Your empty submission of 12/25/2011

Dear Michael,

What, were we bad at the Journal of Universal Rejection this year? No Christmas present? Even Santa gave us something this year--though granted, its chemical structure looked like this:

image by Karol007; Wikimedia Commons

We cannot accept your piece. Had you submitted on Michaelmas, perhaps you'd've had mas suerte (pero probablemente no.)

Happy New Year,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection
Twitter: @JUnivRejection

JofUR Rejects SOPA: Press Release

2012-01-13T07:52:00.000-08:00

Contact: Caleb Emmons FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Email: j.universal.rejection@gmail.com
Twitter: @JUnivRejection

THE JOURNAL OF UNIVERSAL REJECTION REJECTS STOP ONLINE PIRACY ACT

SOPA Would Be Bad for Business

The Journal of Universal Rejection officially declares its opposition to the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA). We vow to not publish another issue online until the bill is defeated.

According to the Founder and Editor-in-Chief, Dr. Caleb Emmons, "If my--admittedly shaky--understanding of the bill is correct, it would force several of my favorite websides (napster.com, myspace.com, and huffingtonpost.com) to become de facto journals of universal rejection. Frankly we can't stand that kind of competition in the rejection business. At least not until we have more Twitter followers."

The Journal plans to join other prominent websites (Reddit.com, the Cheezburger Network, Wikipedia?) in the Internet blackout on Wednesday, January 18th, 2012. "Our initial thought was to not participate. We hoped to pick up some web traffic that would no longer be going to those other sites. But our consciences spoke, and demanded action," said Emmons. "Our second thought was to replace our website http://www.universalrejection.org with a single image of a giant thumb poking downward into a sopapilla," continued Emmons. However, in the end, we were afraid that our cyber-thumb would be burned by hot cooking oil, so have decided to position the thumb hovering dangerously close to, but not penetratingm, the sopapilla.

It is also quite likely that we won't post anything to our blog http://reprobatiocerta.blogspot.com on January 18th, 2012. Sometimes we like to take Wednesdays off.

Ultimately, the U.S. government--or any government for that matter--should not be in the business of shutting down the dissemination of peoples writing, art work, films, and so forth. Let us reserve that niche for specialized Journals such as the Journal of Universal Rejection.

# # #

If you'd like more information about this topic, or to schedule an interview with Caleb Emmons, please email j.universal.rejection@gmail.com and follow @JUnivRejection on Twitter

Untitled.odt

2012-01-12T17:06:00.000-08:00

Dear SP,

Thank you for submitting "untitled.odt" to the Journal of Universal Rejection. You are the 24th person to submit an empty document to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

I must congratulate you on two levels.

Firstly, because you are the first person to submit an empty Open Office document. I take that your aim is to provide a biting social commentary on the state of Word processing today. Your aim, by submitting to us, is drive a sudden wedge into the monopolistic control of Microsoft Corp. Like the toenail of a penguin that slabs an enormous iceberg off of the Ross Ice Shelf, your submission is the final claw, and like that same icerberg, once afloat, 90% of its meaning is underwater! I predict that within a few days of the publication of this rejection letter, it will no longer be necessary for every single job applicant to waste space on a resume writing "Microsoft Office"

Secondly, by naming your document "Untitled," you follow in the footsteps of such great artists as Jean-Michel Basquiat, Mark Rothko, Emily Dickinson, Charles Simic, ... The list goes on and on. A bit of their greatness has rubbed off on your work, which glows with a warm amber aura.

We do reject all submissions, empty or not. Therefore--despite the social commentary and glowing halo--yours is rejected.

And trust me, the emptiness we publish is our own, not yours.

Best regards,

Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

The 10-minute Play

2012-01-11T13:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Michael Maiello,

Thank you for submitting your play "Titus of the Bank" to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

Unfortunately I must let you know that we can neither publish, nor enact, your play. Moreover, we must discourage you from writing, or sending, any more 10-minute plays. The reason for this is twofold.

Firstly, what is up with a 10-minute play? Think about your consumer--the theater-goer. Must I call a hotline to order overpriced tickets, find a babysitter, take a shower, iron my shirt, comb my hair, find my cuff-links, relearn how to tie a tie, polish my shoes, drive downtown, find parking, stand in line in the cold, have a hassle when they can't find my tickets, get seated in the drafty part of the theater where there is also no view of the stage, and then to find out that the play IS ONLY TEN MINUTES LONG???

So you can see, we are not particularly inclined toward 10-minute plays in general. But let us move on. I have taken a look at your play. It seemed to only have three characters. But I guess that is forgivable, given its length (or shortness). But did you know that the characters "Titus," "Saturninus," and "Tamora" have already appeared in a perfectly good play by a certain Francis Bacon--or was it Christopher Marlowe? In any case, it's been done before, and though I didn't really read your play, I'm sure the old one was much better. And perhaps worth all the travail.

Thanks for your time. Maybe if you add some more to the play, and get some new characters, we will take a second look at it.

Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Twitter Twitter Twitter

2012-01-10T14:24:00.000-08:00

[Begin important announcement] The Journal of Universal Rejection can now tweet. We have yet to do so, but we can. Follow @JUnivRejection
Yay! [End important announcement]

Andre the Giant and Mentos

2012-01-08T18:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Prof. L ,

In your paper you write:

"Many caveats apply to our conclusion, which is likely to be false."

This was a breath of fresh air in the musty halls of academia. Nay, more than a breath, it was as if Andre the Giant ate an entire package of Mentos™, inhaled huge lungfuls of sulfur hexafluoride, and then blew a ginormous blast into said halls.

Because your paper was so insightful, we have decided not to publish it in the Journal of Universal Rejection. Here is what would happen if we did:

(1) Your paper would shoot to the top of our most-read list
(2) Your paper would be read by everyone-who's-anyone in academia
(3) You would be inducted into the National Academy of Sciences
(4) Like sand through the hourglass, prestigious job-offers would pour in

And that's just the beginning. Clearly you could never extricate yourself from academia's musty halls at that point. The must must overwhelm you--or the mustiness must, mustn't it? Like one overcome by mustard gas, you would be rendered incapable of escape.

But you deserve to live free. Publish or perish? We say live rejected or die! Perish before it's too late. Take your insights and head to Wall Street!

Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Crass Precedent

2011-12-22T14:01:00.000-08:00

In September some bigshot wrote

I suggest that you allow the submission of previously published articles.

and giving some reasons, blah, blah. Well, we finally got back at them:

Al,

We do allow the submission of previously published articles. You have not read our webpage closely enough. Put on your glasses.

I am not sorry it has taken me so long to respond. Why is everyone always apologizing for that? I had a lot of other important stuff to do (e.g., pick my nose and watch YouTube videos).

Also, I'm not going to apologize for any crassness in this message. Here at JofUR we usually hold our noses above the fray, sniffing only the highest flowers climbing up the sides of the Ivory Tower, then wiping our proboscides gingerly with silken handkerchiefs. But today we are commemorating the December 18, 1982 takeover of the Zig Zag Club by the anarchistic punk band Crass. We're a few days late, but who f*ing cares?

Barest regards,
Caleb
--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Handkerchief
Journal of Universal Rejection

To Rebooted Switches in a Wiring Closet

2011-12-19T10:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Editorial Board and the Editor in Chief:

Please consider the following Haiku verse for rejection in the Journal of Universal Rejection. This is my first, and in its relatively unpracticed state is well themed for the Journal. Its otherwise incomprehensible, relatively context-free techny nature should expedite the process of rejection. Please note the level of emotional connotation swinging from a frustrated patience to an optimistic outlook. "There is no emotion, there is peace. ..." [1]

To Rebooted Switches in A Wiring Closet
Another 2nd Thursday
Another Power Failure
Lucky Us, as Today
It's Only in the Basement

[1] Jedi Code
http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Jedi_code

Feel free to blog it on.

Thank you,

--
Serguei A. Mokhov, Haiku Password Artist

Dear Serguei,

Having never seen
7 7 6 7
Haiku, I reject.

I liked it though,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Touring Machines

2011-12-14T10:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Drs. K. and R.:

Thank you for submitting your manuscript entitled "A Case for the Turing Machine" for publication in the JUR. I read it three times and still don't get it.

You have larded your paper with much mumbo-jumbo about lazily semantic archetypes (!), scatter/gather I/O, and Zipf-like distributions. Despite the cute Greek letters, graphs and so forth, I regret to inform you that you haven't adequately made your case. And you really should have proofread the manuscript more carefully. The correct spelling is "touring."

And I know touring machines. In my younger days I briefly owned a 1948 Vincent C-Series Black Shadow (won it off a guy in a poker game). That puppy could book, let me tell you, and when I tooled into Laconia every June, it was everything I could do to keep the HD wusses from drooling all over it. And the babes--well, that's a story for another time.

I fully endorse your desire to make your case. But your paper simply won't work for us. Thanks anyway for thinking of the JUR. You might see if Cycle World is interested.

Sincerely yours,
Karl M. Petruso, Associate Editor
Journal of Universal Rejection

Pigs, Apples, Death, Sex, and Gender

2011-12-12T08:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Ms. or Mr. or Indeterminate or My-Gender-is-None-of-Your-Business M :

(We are nothing if not sensitive to matters of gender, whether chosen, naturally apportioned or divinely imposed -- long and baroque have been our editorial board meetings wherein we have argued at length and breadth the merits and pitfalls of altering the English language to better serve our readership in this regard; do not for a moment believe we are anything but utterly respectful of your situation, whatever it may be, and that in no way do we even begin to suspect we can understand your feelings on the matter, or indeed lack of feelings; we make no assumptions whatsoever.)

Thank you for your insightful and passionate story, " ." As the Journal's short story editor, I see (and reject) many stories and I have to admit that it is a rare (pleasure) to come across one that includes pigs, apples, death, sex, gender- and species- identity questions and also pink nail polish. Rare indeed.

Alas, rare is not enough.

No, indeed--many are the rare stories that lay across our desks, begging to be given a starring role (or indeed any role at all) and as you may suspect precious few are actually cast. Rare, odd and even frightening stories have no more advantage with us than the most predictable, dull, and tedious stories. (Indeed, a recent submission frightened our editorial staff so much that we ended up in a heated discussion about who was going to reject it under what pseudonym and what favors would be owed said person. Five triple-shot caramel lattes, as I recall.)

But back to your story.

A story such as yours is destined for many trips around the globe, collecting many diverse rejections. It is, in many ways, a sort of Rorschach test, allowing each reader to project onto it and see in it what is foremost in their consciousness.

And what do I see? Bluntly put, I see a story that would disturb our delicate readership in their notions of identity and gender. Such disturbance might result in them hesitating, pens poised over their Journal subscription renewal forms. I'm sure you understand that in hard economic times like these a journal such as ours -- exclusive and award-winning though it may be -- can scarce afford such risks.

Perhaps you should view your story as an ambassador to the world, and re-title it "reject me if you're uncomfortable with your gender choices" to see if you get better results. Just a thought. Best wishes
on your story's upcoming travels.

Do think think of us next time you write a short story that includes pink nail polish.

Sincerely,
Sonia Lyris, Associate Editor

"Errors"

2011-12-10T17:40:00.001-08:00

Dear Prof. W ,

Thank you for submitting your paper about the error function, erf(x), and its inverse, to the Journal of Universal Rejection. Our review has been very thorough.

We began by looking for errors in your paper. By pressing ctrl-F and then typing 'error,' we were able to find 8 'error's in your paper. The first 'error' was already there in your title, and the second was in your first sentence!

I am sorry, but we do not publish two-page papers with 8 errors!

Best,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

The Choice of Axioms

2011-12-08T08:57:00.001-08:00

Dear D ,

Thank you for submitting "An Empty Article About the Empty Set" to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

Rest assured your article does indeed fulfill the requirements for rejection at our prestigous Journal.

We have previously received 22 empty documents, but never before an empty (aside from title, author, affiliation, date, and the word 'Abstract') document that was explicitly about the empty set.

Before I delve fully into rejecting your document, allow me a brief aside about the empty set for the benefit of our readership at Reprobatio Certa where I will be posting this letter.

The empty set is an object which exists in every set-theoretic mathematical model that I know of. Let's see if we can deal with that. We'll focus on the most common axioms used today in mathematics, the ZF (Zermelo-Fraenkel) axioms. There are eight axioms in this model. It is the third axiom--the Axiom of Restricted Comprehension--which can be used to guarantee the existence of an empty set, once the existence of a single set (call it w) is known. This existence is guaranteed by another axiom--the Axiom of Infinity. For example we can get the empty set by doing:

Here we see that the empty set is the set of all elements in w that both do and do not contain themselves. Since (P and not P) is a contradiction, there are no such elements, and the empty set is, well, empty.

We can also denote the empty set as {}. The braces are standard set-theory notation where the contents of the set are listed within them. Here there is nothing in between them. But typography alone does not guarantee the existence of this set.

So we've got the existence of the empty set squared away. Or do we? We've used the Axiom of Infinity and the Axiom of Restricted Comprehension. Maybe you don't want to believe in an infinite set. Well, we'd just need any set to exist. So if we want to not believe in the empty set, we have to either
(A) postulate a model for set-theory in which there are no sets whatsoever, or
(B) postulate a model for set-theory in which we don't have the Axiom of Restricted Comprehension.

If we live in a universe of pure nothingness, and our existences, our love songs, addictions, brilliant colors, taste of pomegranates, our fashion sense, the electric touch of our electronic gadgets, cups of tea, soft evening breezes, all qualia, pure nonmoving vibrations of nothingness, then I will choose option A.

If we live in a universe of confusion, of dead ends, residues, tastes that we can't get out of our mouths no matter how much we brush our teeth, the electric touch of our electronic gadgets, addictions, songs of love stuck forever in our gullet, all things we will never understand, crackling and crunching into an everlasting cinder, then I will choose option B.

To me, the answer to this quandry is obvious.

Therefore your paper is rejected.

Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Issues with Issues

2011-12-06T15:06:00.001-08:00

Our response upon receipt of the enquiry

What happened with the September 2011 (Vol 3, No 3) issue?

Thank you for the concern. We're working on that issue, but it is not easy to keep these things up-to-date because we don't always keep track of what we publish, and then we have to call a really expensive company. They come out and use very advanced laser-imaging on our (nonexistent) printing-presses to determine the last articles we published. Particles move faster than light; the space-time-continuum develops rents; we are unable to pay these rents; the space-time-continuum is let to someone else; colours invert; meanwhile the staff at JofUR goes to the theatre. It's all very involved, and British. I won't bore you with the details of it.

In the mean time, I can send you a complementary instance of our Journal. But first you'll have to pay for it. (NOTE: I did spell it 'complementary,' not 'complimentary'... in which case it would be free. It's not free, it will just look nice next to that turtleneck you're wearing.)

Best regards,
Caleb

Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Kung Fu Master

2011-12-01T14:17:00.001-08:00

Dear ,

Thank you for applying for an editorial board position.

Becoming an editor here is a lot like becoming a Kung Fu master.

First, one must learn patience. Which is why we didn't respond to your email for four months.

Next, one must learn to wax-on-wax-off one's car with a sponge plucked from the depths of somewhere really deep, and wax gathered from a beehive in the Hundred Acre wood. (Optional)

Finally, one must learn to reject everything, even oneself. In that vein, perhaps you could write a rejection of this blog post:
http://fivefeetofftheground.blogspot.com/2009_03_14_archive.html
[Editor's note: no, the applicant was not Ingrid Booz Morejohn, nor do I know who that is. She does have a really awesome name I must admit. She can say "Booz? Why that's my middle name!" Then she can turn to her friend John and demand more booze by saying her last name. Anyway... the reason for having the applicant reject the linked blog post cannot be revealed at this time. Hey, I just noticed that the blog post is from π Day. Cool!]

Best,
Caleb

Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Blind Review

2011-11-29T13:41:00.001-08:00

To the editor,
Attached, please find my submission to The Journal of UniversalRejection, "This Article Should Not Be Rejected By The Journal ofUniversal Rejection".
The article is a 2-page proof that the articleshould not be rejected from your journal (prepared, of course, for blindreview). Thanks very much for your consideration.

Best,
J

Dear J ,

Thank you for your thoughtful submission "This Article Should Not Be Rejected By The Journal ofUniversal Rejection" to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

We are writing to let you know that your submission has been rejected. Here is how this played out. First I cogitated for awhile about the capitalization in your title. I kind of prefer titles where you don't capitalize words unnecessarily, but I was willing to be open to that. But even for capitalized titles, you shouldn't be capitalizing the word 'by.' I'm not sure about the 'The.' Anyway, I decided it might be seen as a bit petty to reject just based on capitalization in a title. So my next step was to find a blind reviewer.

I sent your paper off for review via snail mail to Ray Charles. It turns out this great blues musician is no longer with us, RIP.

Next I placed a Braille translation of your document in the in-box (or tip jar?) of a beggar downtown. He seemed mystified and inquired whether I had any money. Of course JofUR does not pay its reviewers! This is a premier journal, we don't stoop to that! When I returned later, the hobo could not recollect your paper, it appears he may have burned it, or used it as bedding. I did not take this as a good sign for your manuscript.

Finally, I decided to take review into my own hands. I first removed my glasses and began to skim your document. However I realized I could still make out a word here and there, so this was not truly blind review. So, in the end I went into a darkened room, closed my eyes, sat down, and got to reading. I was disturbed just seconds later by my son yelling! I should not have used the room that we was taking his mid-day nap in for this chore!

He said: "Papa? Waaaaaaah!"

"I'm reviewing this paper, Bud. Do you think I should publish it?"

"Waaaaaaah!"

So in that darkened room the doom of your document was determined. Rejection.

Best wishes,
Caleb
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Black Friday/Metallic Saturday/Robot Sunday/Cyber Monday

2011-11-25T10:13:00.001-08:00

Dear readership:

We have an exciting announcement! But try to breathe normally.
In honor of Black Friday/Metallic Saturday/Robot Sunday/Cyber Monday, we are having a sale at the JofUR Store. Items have been marked down by 10-20%. This is in addition to further discounts by Cafe Press (as marked in the store). Woo hoo! Breathe normally.

Now is the time to order those all-important gifts.

Who can remain depressed while sipping from a hardy ceramic Journal of Universal Rejection mug? Or sporting a sporty T-shirt? Our mousepads pad your mouse beautifully.

We also have clocks. My son likes cuckoo clocks, but we don't have those. Instead we have ones that remind you "Reprobatio Certa, Hora Incerta:" Rejection is certain, the hour uncertain. That's not to say the clocks don't work... they do. Here is a picture of a cuckoo clock:

photo by Sandra Marek

Remember we don't sell those. I only put the picture here in case my son wants to read this post.

Breathe normally,
Caleb

Some Bookkeeping

2011-11-10T13:44:00.001-08:00

Dear Rogier, Vaclav, A.G., J.B., N.E., L.P., and Dr. C,

We at the Journal of Universal Rejection reject your submission.

Best regards,
Caleb

p.s. We may send more reasons later.
p.p.s. Did you know 'bookkeeping' (and 'bookkeeper(s)') are the only words in English with three sequential sets of double letters? That's the buzz in Busytown, anyway.
p.p.p.s. Yes, that is a picture of the Dalai Lama. It is there to add some color to this post. But I'm relatively sure he approves.

Wildlandphotos

2011-11-09T14:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Josh,

Thank you for submitting your advertisement copy for your 2012 Wildlandphotos.com calendar to appear in the Journal of Universal Rejection. Sadly I must inform you that, though we are keeping the fee, we are rejecting your advertisement for publication. It has nothing to do with the ad, it's just that we refuse to publish anything in the Journal.

Besides, what would people say when they noticed (as surely they would) that the first submission published in JofUR was from the Editor-in-Chief's brother. That would be a scandal and a half. It would be all over Twitter. We don't wish to investigate the shredability of our credibility with such nepotism. Editors-in-Chief have been overthrown for less. (Not that our Board has any power...)

At least there's always the blog where I can do some shameless promotion of your photography, including the beautiful 2012 wall calendar now available.

Good luck with your sales. And you're lucky I'm choosing to forgot about the whole "Vacuum Cleaner Shark Incident!"

Best regards,

Your brother
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Spotlight on Associate Editor: Ghil'ad Zuckermann

2011-11-08T13:13:00.000-08:00

Biographical sketch for Dr. Ghil'ad Zuckermann:

Ghil'ad Zuckermann --- a.k.a. Sir Galahad Sugarman, Prof. Giladavant Zuckerman, Dr Gillard Zukerman, Lord Gilly Sugar-Daddy, Mr Jihad Zimmermann, or simply Giladiator Superman --- is Professor of Linguistics, and Endangered Languages Chair at the University of Adelaide. So endangered that he is the only such chair in Australia.

After his recent public lecture on language, religion and power, he was accused of Marxism, to which he retorted that he did indeed have a penchant for Marxist paraprosdokians. "She got her looks from her father, he is a plastic surgeon", as the great Groucho used to say. When I met her, I felt I had known her from previous life. Two weeks later I understood why I had not called her for 1,750 years...

Professor Zuckermann holds an Australian Research Council (ARC) Discovery Fellowship, which means that his official role is to un-cover and dis-cover but not to dis-appoint. He is the founder of revival linguistics, and expert in contact linguistics, lexicology, endangered tongues, Jewish and Israeli society, and the study of language, culture and identity. Although he is based in the 'Lucky' Country, he spends several months per annum in large countries such as the Promised Land, and in small countries such as the Middle Kingdom, where he serves as Distinguished Visiting Professor and 'Oriental Scholar' Professorial Fellow at Shanghai International Studies University.

Professor Zuckermann is Jewish and mindful of the fact that six Jews have changed the way we perceive the world: Moses said "the Law is everything!", Jesus said "Love is everything!", Marx said "Money is everything!", Freud said "Sex is everything!", Zuckerberg said "Social networking is everything", Einstein said "Everything is relative!". Some people see the world in B&W (black-and-white), but for Zuckermann, Judaism is all about on the other hand. In the famous play Fiddler on the Roof, after Tevye's daughter Hodel and her radical student lover Perchik announce their engagement, Tevye, a religious Jew opposed to the match, memorably reckons: "He loves her. Love, it's a new style ... On the other hand, our old ways were once new, weren't they? On the other hand, they decided without parents, without a matchmaker! On the other hand, did Adam and Eve have a matchmaker? Well, yes they did. And it seems these two have the same matchmaker!" (cf. Stein 1964: 113).

Besides his indefatigable contributions to the Journal of Universal Rejection, Professor Zuckermann serves as Editorial Board member of the Journal of Language Contact. Just like John Burdon Sanderson Haldane (1963: 464), Professor Zuckermann supposes that "the process of acceptance will pass through the usual four stages: 1. This is worthless nonsense. 2. This is an interesting, but perverse, point of view. 3. This is true, but quite unimportant. 4. I always said so."

At the age of 16, he spread his wings and went abroad to study at the United World College (UWC) of the Adriatic (Collegio del Mondo Unito dell'Adriatico, Duino, Trieste). Then he came home to roost, performing several years of military service. Thereafter he was selected for the Adi Lautman Interdisciplinary Programme for Outstanding Students of Tel Aviv University, where he studied many many things, for example philosophy, psychology, classics, literature, law and mathematics, specializing in linguistics and receiving his M.A. (summa cum laude) from the Department of Linguistics in 1997.

Professor Zuckermann is a master at turning a rejection into a motivating force. If you want him to succeed, reject him! A well-meaning teacher advised the young Zuckermann not to bother with Oxbridge, so he promptly went to England and ended up holding doctorates from both Oxford and Cambridge (the latter one being titular). His best advice to his students is therefore always to ignore your professor's best advice.

As Scatcherd European Scholar of the University of Oxford and Denise Skinner Graduate Scholar of St Hugh's College, Oxford, he gained his D.Phil. (Oxon.) in 2000. In 2000-2004 he was Gulbenkian Research Fellow at Churchill College, Cambridge. There he learned a lot about Laurence of Arabia from Winston's lovely daughter Mary Soames, who always wanted to sit near Zuckermann on High Table dinner because he was the only fellow to tell her the truth about life at Churchill College. At Churchill he also met Margaret Thatcher, who asked him whether he was related to Solly Zuckerman, to which he replied that he might have indeed been a distant relative. Or not. George Steiner welcomed Zuckermann to College by telling him: "Israel has great future. In New York!" Upon arrival at Churchill, Zuckermann was introduced to a fellow he understood to be "Tony, Jewish" and discussed various Jewish themes with him on a weekly basis, only to find out three months later that he was actually "Tony Hewish", a Nobel laureate in physics. Zuckermann enjoyed discussing IDF with yet another Nobel laureate: Bob Edwards (IVF).

Professor Zuckermann has published in various languages, e.g. English, Israeli ('Ivrit'), Italian, Yiddish, Spanish, German, Russian and Chinese. He recently translated --- successfully --- the following into Esperanto: The Frenchman says "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have wine!" The German says "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have beer!" The Jew says "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes!". Mi devas havi vinon / bieron / diabeton!

His revolutionary bestseller book Israelit Safa Yafa (Israeli - A Beautiful Language) (ISBN: 978-965-13-1963-1) was published in 2008 by Am Oved (Tel Aviv) and has multiplied the number of Zuckermann's admirers and enemies by approx. 100,000. Several days before the publication of this book, Zuckermann finally received its cover. Ignoring the idiom "don't judge a book by its cover", he looked at it and darkness was made in his eyes: Whereas the title of the book was israelit safa yafa, i.e. ISRAELI - A Beautiful Language (challenging and modelled upon the old Zionist slogan ivrit safa yafa "Hebrew - A Beautiful Language"), the last sentence on the back cover was "this is his first book in HEBREW"! Worriedly, he called Am Oved and was given an ultimatum: either we leave it as "this is his first book in Hebrew" or change it to "this is his first book in Israeli and his last book at Am Oved"! Eventually, the compromise was "this is his first book published in Israel".

Professor Zuckermann then mumbled to himself: "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet", says Juliet to Romeo (or Yael to Ram, as per a fin-de-siècle translation to "Modern Hebrew") in a scene by the famous playwright referred to by former Libyan leader Muammar al-Qaddafi as "Sheikh Zubeir". There are cases in which the name is extremely important because it determines the way people perceive the thing it stands for. Just as thought influences language, language can shape thought. It was Confucius who said 2,500 years ago, around the time when the Old Testament was written, 必也正名乎 Bi Ye Zheng Ming Hu (the first thing one has to do is to rectify names!) (Analects, Book 13, Verse 3).

Zuckermann's book Language Contact and Lexical Enrichment in Israeli Hebrew (ISBN: 1-4039-1723-X) came out with Palgrave Macmillan in 2003. The Israeli version of Tingo, to which he contributed three chapters, was published by Keren Publishing House in 2011. He is currently preparing ten further volumes.

Dr Zuckermann is what one might call peripatetic (if you like him), or peri-patHetic (if you don't). He has taught various undergraduate and graduate courses in four continents, e.g. at the University of Cambridge (Faculty of Oriental Studies, now known as the Faculty of Asian and Middle Eastern Studies), National University of Singapore, University of Miami, Ben-Gurion University of the Negev, Pavol Jozef Safarik University (Kosice, Slovakia), The University of Queensland (2006-2010), and Shanghai International Studies University.

He has been research fellow at the Rockefeller Foundation Study and Conference Center (Villa Serbelloni, Bellagio, Italy), Research Centre for Linguistic Typology (RCLT) (Institute for Advanced Study, La Trobe University), Harry Ransom Humanities Research Center (University of Texas at Austin) and Kokuritu Kokugo Kenkyuuzyo (National Language Research Institute, Tokyo). He has held a range of fellowships and scholarships, including a Project 211 Professorial Fellowship (China), "Shanghai Oriental Scholar" Professorial Fellowship, British Academy Research Grant, Memorial Foundation of Jewish Culture Postdoctoral Fellowship, Harold Hyam Wingate Scholarship, British Chevening Scholarship and Deutscher Akademischer Austauschdienst (DAAD) Scholarship.

In his free time, Dr Zuckermann is consultant to the Oxford English Dictionary (OED), Oxford University Press (OUP), Sue and Leonard Miller Center for Contemporary Judaic Studies (University of Miami), and Leyvik House, The Israeli Center for Yiddish Culture, Tel Aviv. He is Editorial Board Member of The Journal of Language Contact, Mizrekh: Jewish Studies in the Far East, The Israeli Journal of Humor Research; Scientific Committee Member of Societas Linguistica Europaea (SLE); Academic Committee Member of the Yale Initiative for the Interdisciplinary Study of Anti-Semitism (YIISA); Thought Leader of Creativity Australia, Melbourne; and Advisory Board Member of Gifted Speech.

He has been referee for Yale University Press (YUP), Cambridge University Press (CUP), Languages in Contrast, Australian Journal of Linguistics, Balshanut Ivrit (Hebrew Linguistics), Journal of Modern Jewish Studies, International Journal of Lexicography, CamLing (Conference in Language Research, University of Cambridge), Leverhulme Trust, Israel Science Foundation (ISF), Endangered Languages Documentation Programme (ELDP), and the Academic Research Fund of Singapore's National Institute of Education (NIE). In 2008 he was President of the Jury of the BIFF Interfaith Award for Promoting Humanitarian Values, Brisbane International Film Festival (BIFF).

He has delivered hundreds of keynote speeches and plenary conference papers, has been an invited speaker on various TV programmes. For example, he recently spent many lovely hours with Stephen Fry in Rishon LeZion (Israel) discussing the Hebrew revival and the emergence of Israeli for Fry's Planet Word (BBC). Here is a video clip: The Politics of Language.

In 1993-6 Professor Zuckermann taught preparatory courses for various psychometric examinations (e.g. GMAT) at Kidum Institute, Tel Aviv, and co-authored four books in this field. Other interests include opera (in particular Puccini, Verdi, Donizetti and Mozart), film, photography, constrained literature, poetry, paleo-anthropology and human migration, cultural immersion through travel, and world politics.

Further shameless particulars can be found at http://www.zuckermann.org/

We Want to Be the 1%

2011-11-07T13:24:00.000-08:00

Note from the Editor-in-Chief: Another rejection from Associate Editor Chicken. I would like to widen his call for bank account and credit card numbers, and so although the following letter is addressed to 'Mark,' feel free to consider it an open letter to the world and email me your own financial information.

We at JofUR feel that because we are already universally despised (because of our impossible editorial standards, extreme good looks, or just generally jerky ways), we deserve to join the 1% at the expense of the 99%. We want to be the 1%. Then we could become the Editor-in-Yacht! (That's the royal we of course.)

Although I'd love to blab on about OWS or other topics such as how to construct a straw-bale house, I'll save that for another post, and paste in Editor Chicken's rejection without further ado:

Dear Mark,

Thank you for submitting a rough draft of your untitled paper to the Journal of Universal Rejection. There seems to be quite a bit about borrowing, lending and spending in it. Your work is clearly focused on the theoretical aspects of these activities. For us to seriously consider the merits of your paper, we will need to see an application or case study.

We at the Journal of Universal Rejection are here to help you out in this regard. Please send the editors your credit card number (don't forget the expiration date and security code). Also, your bank account number and online password would be useful. We will begin to gather data on spending (and to a lesser extent, lending and borrowing) at once. You should see this data in about six weeks on your next credit card and bank statements.

In the meantime, your paper is rejected.

Sincerely,
Eric Chicken
Associate Editor
The Journal of Universal Rejection

Acceptable Topics: The Submission

2011-11-04T09:24:00.000-07:00

Readers: Rogier was kind enough to respond with a submission in not just one, but all four acceptable topics. I am posting his response to get anonymous (or nonanonymous (would that be nonymous or aymous?). Why doesn't the 'a' and 'non' in anonymous collapse to be ymous?) feedback to help in rejecting. Not that we need any help in rejecting. No, not at all. We can reject just fine, thank you very much. Why I rejected just yesterday.

Recall the acceptable topics were:
(A) In statistical modeling of reductive theories, how can you reformulate the reduction problem as a measurement problem?
(B) Who is John Howard, and what did he found?
(C) Grasshoppers.
and
(D) What is the answer to this question?

(Rogier's submission after the jump.)

Dear Dr. Emmons,
Much appreciated! I'll just answer all four, so you can reject them blindly and still hit the target, so to speak.

a) Why would anyone do that? I'm not even sure that's legal.

b) I heard John Howard found his wife in a compromising position with the window cleaner, although these are largely unsubstantiated rumors. Of course, rumors aren't very scientific, so certainly not suitable for a scientific journal, especially for one with your exceedingly high standards. Therefore, I've added a p-value to this claim: p=0.28495. That should solve things.

c) I'm going to go out on a limb and expand my carrot cake recipe by adding grasshoppers, because I'm pretty sure that's what you are hinting at with the suggestive punctuation. I mean, no one says 'Grasshoppers.' without an unconscious desire for a nutritious and extra crunchy grasshopper carrot cake recipe. Without further ado:
Ingredients:
-Quite a few carrots
-Flour
-Sugar
-I'm not sure about the proper collective noun for grasshoppers, but I've decided on : "A flugel of grashoppers'. This is about 200, depending on the size, crunchiness and personal preference.
-baking soda
-an ounce of genetically mutated shark (only non-endangered species please)
-salt
Directions:
Stir for a while, bake for a while, eat if hungry or curious. Repeat.

d) I would say 'it depends', but I guess whether that is an appropriate answer depends on the context. So, to solve this little conundrum, I've chosen a different route. Last time, I promised you a graphic, or even a table. I've decided I would take the best of both worlds, and combine this with several other worlds, including flowcharts, statistics, a picture of Einstein and esperanto. Behold, my response to question d!

In addition to the above, I would like to submit the proposition 'JofUR will reject all of my submissions'. I do hope the carrot cake turns out well!

Kindest regards,
Rogier

Whom Do I Reject?

2011-11-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. G ,

Your pre-application enquiry is rejected because you wrote:

Hi. I was wondering who I might talk to about becoming an editor for your prestigious publication?

You should have written:

Hi. I was wondering whom I might talk to about becoming an editor for your prestigious publication?

Cheerio,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Acceptable Topics

2011-11-02T13:31:00.001-07:00

Dear R ,

Thank you for enquiring about what I would like to read. That was very thoughtful. You're right, most people just send some junk they've already written without caring one whit about my feelings.

Because you were so generous, I thought I would also be so, and give you a choice of topic. Acceptable topics are:
(A) In statistical modeling of reductive theories, how can you reformulate the reduction problem as a measurement problem?
(B) Who is John Howard, and what did he found?
(C) Grasshoppers.
and
(D) What is the answer to this question?

Best of luck,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Rhetoric

2011-10-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Lecturer M ,

Thank you for (sort of) submitting your chapter on Aristotle's Rhetoric for inclusion in the Journal of Universal Rejection.

I assume that when you wrote:

"The reason for writing is to ask whether you would be so kind as to ignore this chapter prior to rejecting it, and perhaps fail to let me know of any notable omissions or errors?"

that this was a Rhetorical question. Because it is a Rhetorical question, it requires no answer. That is, the answer is self-evident.

You suggested that I not read your chapter submission. However, I have rejected that request. Also your request that I not tell you of notable errors or omissions is rejected. Here are several:

When you quote Aristotle, you make-out like he spoke the King's English. I am pretty sure he spoke Welsh or something.
When you claim "emotion and reason are fundamentally intertwined and so such dichotomies between head and heart are flawed," I failed to feel that this sentiment came from your heart. It seemed to be arrived at by a lot of heavy brain-plodding reasoning. If you really felt that sentiment in your heart, couldn't you just whip it out and say "Bam! It's because I feel that, brother! Bam!" Ya feel me?
You misspelt police as polis.
You failed to discuss other interesting words that start with rh, such as rhizome, rhinoceros, and rhythm. Not to mention Rhesus monkey.
You use a piece of feminine bodywear as a source.
Too many sentences started with "So."

So, for these reasons, and none at all, we are rejecting your piece.

Best of luck in your future sir,
Caleb
--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Limericks II

2011-10-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

It's limerick time again. Unfortunately I really have no sense of metrical rhythm, so please suggest improvements in the comments section.

Reprobatio Certa equates,
To a uniformly negative state,
And since every submission,
Is met by derision,
I await my inevitable fate.

- Neeraj Oak

Dear Neeraj,

'Tis the Journal of Universal Rejection
As rejects each and e'ery submission.*
I'll have you know, sirrah
That Reprobatio Certa
Will publish sans tergiversation.*

* Your limerick included.

Yours in sesquipedalianism,
Caleb
--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

From a wizened old elder I heard,
"'Tis not the length of the word,
But its fullness of meaning,
That gives one a gleaning,
Of whether the speaker's a nerd".

Appreciate your vocabulary-stretching reply,
Neeraj

Rats!

2011-10-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Author(s):

The pictures in figures 1A and 1B of your manuscript "Hantaviruses Infects Cells" do not have a dimensional scale. Based on this, the captions of these pictures seem to be misplaced. The captions you have submitted say
"Figure 1: (A) Infected Cells. (B) More infected Cells."
Obviously, they should have read
"Figure 1: (A) Photoshopped potatoes. (B) More Photoshopped potatoes."

We are delighted to announce that we reject the submitted paper because there seems to be no connection between the claims of the effects of Hantavirus and these pictures of potatoes.

Cesar A. Rodriguez-Rosario
Associate Editor of Journal of Universal Rejection

Post scriptum from the Editor-in-Chief: Not to be a stickler, but shouldn't it be "Hantaviri Infect Cells" ...?

The ICψ

2011-10-11T14:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Readership,

We like to keep you informed of important upcoming conferences and congri (which is the plural of congress, for those not in the know). In that vein, we are reposting a letter from Dr. Kirby (a possible U.S. goverment operative) after the break regarding a very important upcoming congress, the ICψ. We were so impressed with his eloquent writing skills that we decided to purloin the phrases 'in the know' and 'in that vein' for use in this introductory paragraph.

Dear Dr. Emmons:

I realize that you are firmly in the mold of rejecting with virtuosic bravado any and all papers submitted to the Journal of Universal Rejection. In that vein, I have been composing and then self-rejecting several potential contributions to JofUR just to make sure I am in the right frame of mind to communicate with you. Now that I have reached that Zen-like state, I have something for you that may fit well in your blog. I am calling a meeting and wish those in the know (whom we presume to all be devoted readers of JofUR) to be informed. Thus the following:

*************************************************
Attention:

There will be a meeting of the

International Congress for

Paranormal Study and Investigation.
You know where; you know when.
Thank you.

*************************************************

I think that will about do it.

Ronald E. Kirby, Ph.D.

Post scriptum from the Editor-in-Chief: I definitely plan on attending the ICψ. Maybe JofUR will have a booth.

Red Dawn

2011-10-09T21:15:00.001-07:00

Dear Russian people,

Thank you for submitting the results of your recent експеримент, and congratulations on already listing it on your CVs. Unfortunately the results were in Russian. (Why does this keep happening to us? We're really not prepared to handle all these foreign languages. Some would say we should tap our editorial board and/or use Google Translate. And at times we do. To quote T.S. Eliot: "Almost at times the Fool" and "Do I dare to eat a peach?")

So as to your експеримент. I did figure out that word. Because as a mathematician I know epsilon, pi, rho, eta.... But otherwise I couldn't make heads or tails of it. In fact it frightened me a little. It is probably only because I grew up during the 80s on a steady diet of hiding under our desks practicing for the event of a nuclear holocaust, watching "Red Dawn," and ingesting other Cold War propaganda. I don't know why the propaganda here was so effective, but I can't hear Russian in a coffee shop without breaking out in a cold sweat, scoping for the quickest route to the exit, and crossing my fingers that the "Wolverines" show up soon. Of course as a mathematician, that is also what happens to me any time any one talks to me or makes an abrupt movement in my direction.

Speaking of coffee shops, you did mention in your (thankfully English) cover letter that the results of your paper were regarding "the effects and impacts of dry coffee creamer on the consistency, volume and taste qualities of freshly brewed caffeinated beverages in general and hot coffee in particular." I guess that is not too scary. I must have braved-up a lot by marrying an East German (who has the bad habit of shouting "Halt - Oder ich schieße!" whenever I come into a room...).

So I will take a deep breath and reject your piece. The rejection is not due to any flaw in your conclusion (remember, I didn't even read it), but rather is decreed by the most recent round of SALT talks (Strategic Acceptance Limitation Treaty).

Remember, I come in peace. Please do not hurt me.

Glasnost and perestroika,
Caleb
--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

The "Good Catch!" Awards

2011-10-06T15:18:00.000-07:00

Note from the Editor-in-Chief: Our dear esteemed editor Sonia Lyris sent me the following epistle to post on the blog:

Dear Dr. Emmons,

Do please let our faithful readers know that we have now awarded our first three "good catch!" awards to those keen and faithful readers who caught our deliberate error in my posted rejection to Mr. T 's story. The erudite John Lee was kind enough to send us a useful link for understanding the origins of the phrase. Correctly used, it should of course be "to pore over", as to "examine closely" not "to pour over" as in to "splash my attention upon, as with a pint of wretchedly cheap beer, a dirty boot, and an ill-considered plan."

Our readers have yet again proved themselves keen, and our editorial staff cannot help but be proud.

For those disappointed not to have gained one of the coveted "Good Catch!" awards, fear not: we will be inserting additional deliberate apparent errors in the future. Stay keen!

Sonia Lyris, Short Fiction Editor
<lyris@universalrejection.org>

If it were I, I'd've deliberately put an error in there. Maybe she did. I'm not the kind of editor that looks for errors. Congrats to John Lee and the other two unnamed awardees!

Completely Untitled

2011-10-05T13:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. T ,

If only your stated certainty of our affection for your submission could make it so! Alas that our mortal urgings to the universe, gods and various demons do not influence the course of events or indeed our opinion of your submission. Alas.

We have had our editorial team pour over your self-avowed unfinished, unpolished, and indeed (we confirm) unedited work to find some redeeming quality, which we did find in the next-to-last paragraph, which, while failing to cash the barely legible check of the preceding handful of disjointed paragraphs, brought a smile to our faces:

"The easiest way to fail in life is to die too soon. The second easiest way is to die too late."

We'd like to say that the same applies to your story, but there is no story as far as we can tell, so it is difficult to discern if it had died too soon or too late.

Bluntly, Mr. T , we have strict rules here. We do not publish incomplete manuscripts. Ever. Except when we do, of course. It could happen. In the multiverse, they say, anything is possible.

Except in your case. We must reject your story on the grounds that despite one or two good lines, it does not have a beginning or end (the middle, as always, is arguable). It is, to quote you "neither complete nor titled" and, yes, we can see that you "haven't proofread [it] at all".

We thank you for your submission and hope you will, next time, consider sending us a shopping list.

Sincerely,

This Lady of Rejection
Sonia Lyris, Short Fiction Editor

Schroedinger's Improper Care of Felines

2011-10-04T14:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Prof H:

We received submission of one of your cats in an unmarked leaden box to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

Your inclusion of a radioactive isotope-triggered cat termination device was of questionable moral grounds. The box was delivered on 25 August, 2011, at which point your cat existed as a dual waveform alive/dead cat for several days. Sadly we were unable to retrieve the box or read your instructions re: disabling the radioactive isotope-triggered cat termination device until today given a zombie velociraptor-induced backlog on mail service here at the Journal of Universal Rejection.

I have opened the box, and things are not well with your cat. Although not observed until now, it is quite clear that the cats waveform collapsed awhile ago due, quite probably, not to the decay of radioactive isotope and release of toxic gas, etc., but rather to a lack of appropriate food and water.

Although we do dutifully reject all submissions here, please do not send us any more of your pets.

Thank you,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Editor's post scriptum: Thankfully Prof H. really only wrote a pre-submission enquiry. However as a warning we have decided to reply as if he had really sent his cat. No animals were harmed in the writing of this blog post. Let's keep it that way, folks.

Farewell to Velociraptors

2011-09-29T15:08:00.000-07:00

Dear readership:

Thank you for the outpouring of sympathy regarding our velociraptor infestation. For example Tinocosaid...
"I reject your attempt at alarmism! Probably nothing more than a bunch of playful buitreraptors… or even flamingos…"

Even our esteemed coeditor Sonia Lyris was clearly worried out of her mind when she opined... "Yikes. What does that mean in the common lingo?"

Well I assure you they were velociraptors, and--what's more--they ate one of our editors. I won't bother saying which one.

But the good news is we've gotten them to go. It's a long story, but I won't bore you with the details.

Okay, maybe just a few.

It was a stormy night. I had just gotten back to the office after buying some corndogs. Parked near the entrance of the office was a suspicious-looking bus, and--inside the bus--three velociraptors. They came at us fast, and we just whisked in the front door before their killing claws were scraping at it. Thank goodness I got the double-bolt fire door and our windows at Reprobatio Certa are made out of pure lead. I immediately called the Journal of Universal Rejection office (separate from Reprobatio Certa's), and only heard the shrill shrieks of velociraptors devouring our archives and stabbing at our super-fancy computers. But the one that had answered the phone soon hung up and there was silence on the line until someone came on and said "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again." Then I hung up.

Then they came, the rest of the 14 of the velociraptors, and made a campfire outside Reprobatio Certa. Every once in a while one would come and shriek at the front door. After a few days I realized that they were shrieking and stabbing in Morse code. The leader was telling me his story.

Here follows the story of the band of 14 velociraptors. I missed the first few years because I didn't realize about the Morse code until too late, but I have made up a story to fill in that bit.

The velociraptors lived in a happy commune on an Isle they called Pumpkin Island (most likely because it was entirely covered with pumpkins). I think the pumpkins were made out of meat and that is all the velociraptors ate, except for the occasional buitreraptor and flamingo.

After a while the velociraptors became zombies. It was at that point they began to want brains.

Many centuries passed.

The band of 14 zombie velociraptors terrorized Pumpkin Island for awhile, but soon they all fell down into a cave after a night of drinking too much pumpkin liqueur.

Many centuries passed.

In 1859 Alfred Vail, the coinventor of the telegraph fell into the cave and taught the velociraptors Morse code before they ate his large brain.

Next the cave was explored by coal-miners who didn't like the velociraptors because they (the miners) keep having their brains eaten by them (the velociraptors). They (the miners) decided to let them (the velociraptors) out of the cave.

After that the velociraptors bought a large bus and drove to take over the Journal of Universal Rejection and Reprobatio Certa and try to eat our brains.

Some time passed, and we who were barricaded in Reprobatio Certa ate all the baked beans that we had stored for exactly such a situation. The air grew stale.

So, to get to the point. I have convinced, very cleverly, the velociraptors to leave. How? I let them read the entire contents of Reprobatio Certa (which I passed to them through a slip under the door on slip of baked-bean-can wrapper).

The velociraptors decided there were no brains to eat here.

So they left.

If you see a large bus full of velociraptors, be warned. They are also zombies.

Velociraptors!

2011-08-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

Velociraptors have taken over the Journal of Universal Rejection! We have barricaded ourselves in Reprobatio Certa. They are coming! They are coming!

As Easy as (Dutch) Apple Pie

2011-08-10T13:59:00.000-07:00

Dear René,

The Journal of Universal Rejection is overjoyed to receive yet another submission in Dutch. As you may remember from here, I don't speak Dutch. We do have at least one editor on our board that does, but I wouldn't want to bother him with a submission. So I will tackle this one myself.

Here is my proposed method. I will randomly grab a sentence from your document. With my limited knowledge of German and (admittedly limited) knowledge of English I should be able to pry apart the sentence enough to read it, since Dutch seems to be what you get when you put three English-speaking inchworms and a German-speaking bumblebee in a tin can and shake it until they lose their ability to spell.

The sentence I plan to dissect is:

"Bent u op zoek naar kwaliteit, waarheid en eerlijkheid, dan is dit boek een eye-opener van de eerste orde."

Ok, here goes. My plan is to make several passes at it:

1st pass:

"Bent you up, Zeke, nur Qualitaet, Wahrheit und Ehrlichkeit, dann is this book ein eye-opener von der erste order."

2nd pass:

"Bent you up, Zeke. Only quality, truth, and honesty, since this book is an eye-opener of the first order."

3rd pass:

"Let's wrestle, Zeke. I will throw you to the ground, pin your eyes open with toothpicks, and instill you with morals by forcing you to read this book."

It appears you are threatening me.

Therefore I reject your submission.

Best regards,
Caleb

p.s. My name is not Zeke.

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

No Bird Suits Needed

2011-08-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

Photo by debaird

Dear Chris,

Thank you for submitting "Spread your Wings, Poet!" to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

I have found that my birthday suit works very well as a bird-suit. As my almost-two-year-old son and I run through the house flapping our wings, it is fast enough for us, and the little stairs we jump down are high enough. I reject all the rigamarole about the bird-suit, farm, tractor, zipper, suitcase, Massey-Ferguson flying-machine, Klaxon horn-switch, Sears Tower, parachute ... you get the picture.

My son liked the tractor bit; your submission is rejected.

Best regards,
Caleb
--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Top 5 Papers I Wish Had Been Submitted to JofUR

2011-08-08T08:07:00.000-07:00

Note from the Editor-in-Chief: Normally I only bother to consider papers that people send our way. But I was inspired to make a list of papers I wish had been submitted to the Journal of Universal Rejection. So without further ado, here is the list:

#5 Burgoyne, Paul S., Thumbs down for zinc finger? Nature 342, 860 - 862 (28 December 1989)

I don't know who this Zinc Finger guy is. I suspect he is trying to take over the world. He definitely deserves rejection. As to the paper, it probably deserves rejection too.

Yet again: good enough for Nature, but not good enough for the Journal of Universal Rejection.

#4 Sowa, J. Ontology, Metadata, and Semiotics Conceptual Structures: Logical, Linguistic, and Computational Issues. Lecture Notes in Computer Science, 2000, Volume 1867/2000, 55-81

This one makes the list in honor of my wife. These are three of the things she hates most. Well, I don't know what semiotics is, so I can't tell if she really hates that. But I know she doesn't like ontology or metadata.

#3 Alexander, G. and Bradley, L.R. Fostering in sheep. IV. Use of restraint, Applied Animal Behaviour Science, Volume 14, Issue 4, December 1985, Pages 355-364

You might think this is an odd one to make the list. But from the abstract:

"The prevention of any close olfactory contact resulted in an intermediate rate of acceptance, even though acceptance was apparently based on olfaction, as shown by universal rejection of strange alien lambs."

Here at JofUR we also practice universal rejection of strange alien lambs.

#2 Elaine Fuchs, Tudorita Tumbar and Geraldine Guasch, Socializing with the Neighbors: Stem Cells and Their Niche Cell, Volume 116, Issue 6, 19 March 2004, Pages 769-778

Okay, there is nothing particularly funny about this paper. I only included it so I could gratuitously link back to these posts about the neighbors (whom I reject) and this post about stem cells since people thought those were funny.

#1 Erdoğan Şen, An Inequality for Second Order Differential Equation with Retarded Argument Advances in Pure Mathematics, 2011, 1, 243-244

This would have been the easiest paper to reject ever! In its very title it points out its flaw. And then I discovered that there are tons of papers with "Retarded Argument" in the title. Wow! I have to change my specialization from Number Theory to Differential Equations!

Okay, that was the list. Maybe it could have been better, but I had only so much time to look around. Now I have to make a shopping list and go pick up my son from daycare. Please add suggestions in the Comments section.

The Philadelphia Lendry

2011-08-05T07:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Editorial Board,

I'm writing on behalf of the Philadelphia Lendry, an experimental lending library which consists of a growing assortment of art, creative services, and cultural ephemera contributed by its members to form a public collection available for borrowing, exhibition, and research. We accept all donations, and it occurs to me that the Journal is both a natural foil and potential partner. (Our curatorial/editorial practices are actually quite similar, in that both the Lendry and the Journal refuse to exercise discernment in acquiring material.)

We at the Lendry are seeking to build our collection in various ways, and we are interested in discussing the possibility of acquiring the Journal's archive of rejected submissions. Would this be of interest to you? Our website is not online yet, but I'm happy to provide you with more information about the Lendry or arrange a discussion with our co-founders.

We hope you'll overcome your natural instinct to reject this offer. If not, we will be nearly as satisfied to gain membership in your rejection collection.

Best regards, and keep up the good work!

Deborah

The Philadelphia Lendry

(Aislinn, Deborah, Laura, Michael, Nicole, and Olan)

Dear Deborah, Aislinn, Laura, Michael, Nicole, and Olan

Thank you for your generous offer of a partnership betwixt the Philadelphia Lendry and the Journal of Universal Rejection.

I'm afraid I am going to have to reject your offer. This rejection is not due to our guiding principle (which requires only that we reject submissions for publication) but rather a fine point known as copyright law. Sadly JofUR does not possess the copyright to the submitted material that we reject.

However, let me propose to you that you may carry a small collection of back-issues of the Journal. We will grant you the right to display zero issues of JofUR in your collection. Access to more issues may be acquired for modest prices ranging in the low thousands of euros.

Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Dear Caleb,

Thank you for your reply. We would be delighted to acquire all back-issues of the Journal and have already begun discussing the best way to preserve, catalog, store and display zero issues. Our current fundraising efforts are dedicated to acquiring a door for the Lendry, but I assure you that we will set our sights on raising several thousand euros for additional issues of the JofUR just as soon as we've met our infrastructural needs. In support of our PR initiative, might you be willing to 'Like' the Lendry on Facebook?

Sincerely,

Deborah

Suspenders

2011-08-04T07:42:00.000-07:00

We received a submission from James Holdpants (BA,MA,BMF) which we'll decline to print but maybe you can guess what it was.

Dear Mr. Holdpants,

Thank you for submitting your untitled pearl-of-wisdom to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

Although your piece is short, I have a prime number of follow-up questions:
(1) My roof doesn't need fixing, though granted it will in a couple years. When shall I start courting the daughter?
(2) What shall homeowners like myself do?
(3) Does it work if your landlord is a landlady?
(4) Will this technique work for doors, windows, or large appliances?
(5) Do you have quantitative data showing this technique is effective?
(6) Won't it be a bit crowded with the landlord's children out-of-wedlock running around everywhere?
and finally,
(7) I'm married, do you think that'll be a problem?

Thank you,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Dr. Emmons:

Thank you for your sage and provocative inquiry, identifying the yawning holes in my logic stream. However, I must point out that, just as lemons make lemonade and limes make michelada, faulty logic can make for interesting times:
1. ASAP. She’s not going to move in with just any yahoo wandering in off the street with a leaky roof.

2.       Homeowners are pretty much out of luck, unless you change “landlord” to “roofing company owner”.
3.       Works the same; everybody knows that mom doesn’t want her precious little muffin getting wet, even if she is living with a lowlife.
4.       Maybe. Depends whether or not she was disowned when she moved in with you. Worth a try, though.
5.       My cousin in Chicago does it all the time. My son tried to do it, but so far all he’s gotten for his trouble are babies. So results are somewhat mixed.
6.       Good point (see 5).
7.       Not if your wife is open-minded, imaginative, and bi-curious. Before it’s all over, you may not care that the roof is leaking!

Hope this helps.

Yours in literariness,
James

Dear James,

Thank you. I suspect you are a mountebank. A roofing company owner just trying to increase your business or marry off your daughters. You've strummed your siren banjo music once too many times in mine ears.

Therefore I reject your submission. Any objection to our correspondence going on the blog?

Best,
Caleb

Or both!

Mountebank—sounds impressive! Since the people I consort with won’t know what it means, I could easily convince them that I am a Canadian G-man who puts evil financial types in the slammer, undercover of course.

Objection? Absolutely not! Rejection is my middle name!

Yours in glorious mountebankery,
James

No QQing

2011-08-03T13:27:00.000-07:00

J. sent us a paper on the etymology of QQ. So far all is quiet on the western front.

Photo by bbaunach

J.,

Your paper is rejected. And I don't want to hear any QQing about it.

Now for your Chuck Norris question: I need a link to the news story about Chuck Norris plagiarizing himself. Otherwise I cannot understand the context of your supposition. You can also write your own news story about it should none exist.

Best regards,
Caleb
--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Application Anxiety

2011-08-02T13:20:00.000-07:00

Someone on the job market sent part of her job application to JofUR. We did her the service of pre-rejecting her; it should soften the eventual blow. Or better, a trophy to hang in her office should she get the job. Fingers crossed for her.

I was going to dig up an old rejection letter that I received, but couldn't find one. So I wung it:

Dear ,

Thank you for applying to the tenure-track assistant professorship in at University. We had over 250 well-qualified applicants for the job. Although your unique combination of experience and skills made you a strong contender for the position, we must let you know that you did not make it to the final round of candidates to whom we will be offering interviews. Best of luck in your future, and we hope you will think of again in any future applications.

Best regards,
CE

Referee Cleverbot's Report

2011-08-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Submitter:

We have reached an editorial decision about your abstract generated by http://www.acsu.buffalo.edu/~rchaves/abstract/. We send it for review to referee http://cleverbot.com/, and instantly a report was received:

"Derivation by phase bars any government in the wrong position. The sequence therefore is rejected, precisely for that reason as assumed in above, to raise the question about the relevant categorial features. Still, potential questions that might remain about related issues such as YP-adjunction to XP, can now be clarified independently. Interestingly, this requires local feature checking and is (at least) partially interpreted at LF, as usually assumed. We have found considerable evidence for this, but due to space limitations we cannot address this. This extends to other phenomena too, of course. But how exactly is this information accessible to the computational system? Regarding the branching asymmetry, this requires local feature checking and converges, as would be observed in old Serbo-Finnish for instance (if such a language were to exist), whether 'weak features' are homogenous or not. The fact that agreement can be assigned in such cases is uncontroversial, but how exactly is this carried out? The parallelism in certain nested dependency cases will not be relevant for now, this bars any government in the wrong position. The sequence therefore yields the expected result, like in Holmberg's generalization and other effects. Also, the LF movement approach raises many issues concerning locality, of course. Obligatoriness is able to interact with other CHL modules, in non-trivial and unexpected ways, yet yields the expected result whether this involves adjunction of features or not. Similarly, in what concerns related data,comparable structures. For this purpose, we propose the following constraint: The Obligatory Coordinate-Alpha S-Criterion: If K` c-commands a-YP in a weak binding domain [a-YP X0[t`...KP]], all segments KX0* are excluded. The full implications of this move are beyond the scope of the present work and will be worked out in full in the future. Independently, this bars any government in the wrong position. The sequence therefore causes the computation to crash, some have speculated (wrongly, in our view)."

Thus, this paper "is rejected, precisely for that reason as assumed in above, to raise the question about the relevant categorial features."

Cesar A. Rodriguez-Rosario,
Editor JUR

It Is a Pipe

2011-07-29T13:08:00.000-07:00

Here is ma'gritte (pronounce like Groundskeeper Willie would) new rejection. Apologies to the unrefined non-Francophones in the audience.

Also available on a T-shirt.

International Transcultural Psychiatry Conference

2011-07-28T08:11:00.000-07:00

Dear readers,

I received the following invitation:

Dear Dr. Caleb J. Emmons ,

On behalf of the organizing committee, it gives us immense pleasure to invite you to the “International Transcultural Psychiatry Conference” scheduled to be held at Ranchi Institute of Neuro-psychiatry and Allied Sciences (RINPAS), Ranchi (Jharkhand)， India w.e.f. 24-25 September 2011.

We would like to welcome you to the conference as our valuable speaker and present your recent work and ideas of Special values of Abelian L-functions at s=0 that were published in Journal of Number Theory .

RINPAS is an autonomous, post graduate mental health teaching and research institute under the Ministry of Health, F.W., M.E&R, Govt. of Jharkhand. It has 500 beds for patients with psychiatric disorders. It is a premier institute of India with multi-disciplinary approach in the field of behavioral sciences.

According to the WHO, 75% to 85% of the world population relies on local healers when in need of medical care. At the same time, only a fraction of the world population has access to Western psychological and psychiatric services. In those countries and non-Western cultural communities, traditional healers are providing most of the needed psychological services. In order to deal with the societal changes and their influence on clients and communities we need to reflect on our clinical practices, our research agenda and maybe also on the position of mental health workers in the public debate. This conference will address issues deducted from this theme, and will discuss them in relation with mental health care in the form of a workshop. This workshop will be attended and addressed by several international delegates who are experts in their own domains in this topic. They will throw more light on the scenario of transcultural influences on psychiatry practices internationally.

The workshop will consist of both guest lectures from our renowned international experts as well as free papers from our participants.

We cordially invite you and your family members to participate in this workshop to make it a success and help us fulfill our aim of creating an international atmosphere of transcultural psychiatry.

Looking forward for confirmation of your participation,

With warm regards,

Prof. Amool ranjan Singh Choudhury Prof. Suprakash

(Chairperson) (Secretary)

On the conference website I found the Highlights of the Scientific Program:

• Cultural variation in experiences and meaning of mental illnesses and treatment
• Traditional healer’s attitudes and beliefs in dealing psychiatric patients across cultures
• Healer and psychiatrist- a comparative analysis over various cultures
• Transcultural psychiatry- From theory to practice
• Culture bound syndromes
• Differences in in-patient psychiatric treatment in various cultures
• Psychiatric rehabilitation across various cultures
• The role of spirituality in mental illness
• Religious experiences and psychopathology-A trans-cultural appraisal
• Dissociative disorders- A transcultural appraisal
• Spirit healing and psychosis
• Sex-related issues in different cultures
• Issues related to psychiatric and psychological tools developments over various cultures
• Cross-cultural familial adversities
• Difference in child rearing practices in different cultures in context of psychiatric disorders
• Child psychiatric disorders- Cross cultural variations in presentation, attitudes and treatments
• Acculturation
• Suicide, its causes and its variations across various cultures
• Differences in the concept and levels of psychopathology related insight in different mental disorders in different cultures
• Differences in therapeutic modules across cultures
• Stigma related issues in different cultures
• Variation in psychiatry diagnosis related practices in different cultures
• Substance related issues across various cultures
• Eating disorders and other adolescent problems in various cultures
• Ethnic variations in other psychiatric disorders: presentation, diagnosis and treatment
• Miscellaneous

I suppose that my pure-maths paper Special Values of Abelian L-functions at s=0 would fit under Miscellaneous. So what do you think, shall I go and speak to the 500 beds, or shall I reject the invited talk?

Or do you think it's a trap? Do they know I need transcultural psychiatry?

Spotlight on Associate Editor: Hanjo Hamann

2011-07-27T12:44:00.000-07:00

Biographical Sketch for Hanjo Hamann:

Hanjo Hamann is a textbook example of pure-bred lawmanship - most clearly in his outspoken belief to not in the least resemble prototypical specimen of his profession. To endow this proposition with credibility, he currently mingles with economists and psychologists at the interdisciplinary Max Planck Institute for Research on Collective Goods in Bonn. Previously he had been evicted with honors from the universities of
Heidelberg and Hamburg, and after intermediate stages in Beijing and Shanghai decided to move to a location with slightly less than a bazillion people. That's how he stranded on the shores of the river Rhine in an insignificant village which used to be the capital of bratwurstland.

His bouquet of interests caused him to intrude various legal domains, including but not limited to: corporate and securities law, commercial criminal law, tax and administrative law, legal education and legal humor. Being a brilliant and prolific nit-picker, he incidentally pioneered a quantitative approach to legal analysis when he took "the letters of the law" literal - and counted them. This gave rise to his most appraised research, with major published findings such as: The longest short-title of any German federal law reads
"Vermögenszuordnungszuständigkeitsübertragungsverordnung" (That's the short title. The official one is four times as long.) and the longest single provision of German law contains 15,004 words, more than the total of Shakespeare's sonnets. (Note the interdisciplinary cross-over of legal and literary studies!) His other research remains rather uninfluential.

He has been honored and funded by major German academic foundations, university faculties, law firms and student journals. Nonetheless his ambitious quest for the Nobel Prize in Law has yet been unfruitful and his experience at rejection has grown vast and varied, notably including: Louise 2004, Marina 2005, Sina 2006, Verena 2007, Denise 2008, Catherine 2009* (An unanticipated acceptance in 2009 ended his lucky streak of
rejections, replacing it with an even luckier permanence of rejection by his new in-laws.) At scientific journals his quota of rejection figures at around 5:1, and when early in his career he tried to get even by enlisting as co-editor of a nascent law journal, destiny rejected even this endeavor: he never received a single submission to review. Lately his immaculate career of rejections was tarnished by actual acceptances from reputable journals. He is busy fixing that.

* Names changed by the editor. Some. Maybe none.

Mmmmmmm Berry Brains....

2011-07-25T14:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. B.:

Thank you for your short story submission. We appreciate the traditional start and finish, and you've chosen two of our favorite themes: domestic abuse and animal cruelty. Alas, our short story audience is currently grieving the end of the space shuttle program and craving space opera with transgendered zombie generational families. While your story comes close -- well, no. It really doesn't, does it.

We hope you'll keep us in mind for your next short about dysfunctional bear families. Consider throwing in a zombie or two.

--
Sonia Lyris
Short Fiction Editor
Journal of Universal Rejection

The Merry Gentleman

2011-07-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

Some follow-up correspondence to last Thursday's post:

Ah, a rejection that looks like it is in the same key. Thanks so much.

I have one question. I tried to put your rejection into a song (my catalog of songs is limited, I admit, as are my musical abilities), but none of them worked, including:

"Ain't no need to go no further,"
"I'm a Loser,"
"Viya Con Dios,"
"Mr. Blue,"
"Wrong about me,"
"Never say no"
and
"Dirty Robber."

Any suggetions? I need something to hum along with while I repeat your rejection several times.

David A. Swanson, Professor
Department of Sociology
1223 Watkins Hall
University of California Riverside
Riverside, CA USA 92521

Dear Dr. Swanson:

The tune you are looking for is "The Gay Caballero". Try singing your rejection along with this Frank Crumit version:

Sincerely,

Eric Chicken
Department of Statistics
Florida State University
Tallahassee, FL 32306-4330

Quietly in the End

2011-07-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

Dear K.T.,

Thank you for submitting your poem "Looking at You" to JofUR. My response takes the form of a poem inspired by yours:

Looking At Looking At You
Short lines. Tumbles of autumnal words.
A thin period in-between muttering lines.
One look, and then another.
Swallowing the pill of your snapshot
Scraping on the windows, a twig
I feel empty; no smile creeping
Overgrown roads leading nowhere
From one synapse to another
(Breathing through the mouth because my nose is stuffed up.)

Here in the rejection of your poem -
Tintinnabulous echoes of no-thought
Daydreams, fraught with melancholy,
Reading old JofUR submissions wearing sunglasses.
Outside I've just built a Weber barbeque,
With only a hammer, screw-driver, and block of wood.
Shiny and new, with no hint of ash
My son tried to knock it over
(It is the hard pleasure of shaping an ax-handle.)

Phrases swelter in the summer rainstorm,
Fat raindrops patter on the mossy roof
Empty nests of yesteryear's birds decay,
Rafters now home to fetal mice.
Crying in the dying day like unopened tulips
I sit in the back bedroom typing this missive
Sniffling while changing every beautiful line of your poem.
I am the supreme rejector, laughing.
(Quietly in the end I reject your piece.)

Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

A Sampling of Poetry

2011-07-21T09:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Professor Swanson:

I read with interest the first line of the submitted poem, "Farewell Metathema". I noticed that the poem was rather longer than the typical five- to ten-liners I usually come across. I'm a busy man with little time. To speed up the review process, I decided to treat the poem as data and took a random sample for analysis. Logically, one might argue that this method might not catch the true flavor of the poem, but logic is overrated.

There are 1329 characters in this poem, including spaces. I randomly selected 100 characters. The result was not easily interpretable. I won't go into the details, but several unsavory words appeared in the sample. Some of them appeared to be directed at me personally. (Reject 1, accept 0.)

To be fair, I may have sampled without considering some of the structure of the poem. A second sample was obtained, this time maintaining the relations of the characters to each other. Specifically, I sampled words rather than characters. There were 223 words, I sampled 18. I also preserved the order of the words as they appeared in the original poem. One of the lines in this poem sample came out as "cross-eyed man's embarrassed erupting" which clearly refers to an episode in my life I am trying to forget. (Reject 2, accept 0.)

My recommendation:

A poem submitted by Swanson
Cast on the reviewer aspersion
He gave it two tries
But to no one's surprise
It earned a solid rejection

Thank you for submitting to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

Sincerely,

Eric Chicken
Associate Editor
Journal of Universal Rejection

Pigeons

2011-07-20T19:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Dunkelbach,

Finally that mystery is solved! I've always wondered why the pigeons walked like that. A single muscle!! The solution is so ridiculously apparent that of course everyone had missed it until now! I applaud you sir for your efforts at making this world a better place.

Sadly you sent your brilliant work to a dead-end / cul-de-sac / No Outlet street. We are forced (by a muscular twitch bending the joint twixt thigh and shin) to reject your work. However, since your work was so seminal, so important, so mind-bending, I will go ahead and forward it for consideration in Science and Nature on your behalf. Trust me, I have pull with those folks because they really admire JofUR. (Their emulation of us is a little pathetic, but don't tell anyone I said that.)

Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

American Psycho

2011-07-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Prof T.,

Thank you for your submission "Automatic Assumptions of Automaticity" to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

For one thing, you sell yourself short by assuming the outcome will be rejection. Was that an automatic assumption of automaticity? Did you think we have a rejecto-bot? Sadly, no. We should install one. Maybe that is what your paper is about. This editor didn't really have the time or energy left to read it.

For another thing, your assessment of the outcome was spot on. Your work is rejected. We thought the intro lacked punch. Why talk about those other guys and some article they wrote? Just come out of the gate swinging. In fact don't reference anyone else!

Finally, congratulations on having your piece published in American Psycho. I heard that was a creepy publication, but the part I saw of it in your attachment didn't look so bad.

Best regards,
Caleb
--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Toast

2011-07-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Michael,

as the associate editor for Jurisprudence at the Journal of Universal Rejection, I had the honor of reviewing your submission "I found a toast on my Virgin Mary and this proves the existence of God.", of which you provided the appendix. Last night I was wired the corresponding article - a very stimulating piece indeed. It might actually make it to number 667 (beyond evil, that is) in the literature review at http://www.godlessgeeks.com/LINKS/GodProof.htm

If God does indeed exist (as the article argues), then he has - one way or another - authored the article that you claim to be yours. In that case we would of course have to accept it, according to 1 Timothy 4:4 ("For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with gratitude.") Yet among all known manifestations of God, there is none having graduated at Davis. I must therefore call into question the conclusiveness of your paper.

Besides, I take issue with the literature review section that you provide. By the standards of our journal, "GOD is in all things" is not a comprehensive survey, just as "HE sayeth so" is not a proper citation. Since your article ignores pertinent papers such as http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7723841 I am not surprised that you fail to acknowledge the socio-ethnographic
implications of the Virgin Mary imitating a kayayo in meditation. Your article therefore fails to meet the high standards of academic quality and interdisciplinary perspective that our journal presupposes.

On top of all that, there are legal concerns. You will be aware that the JoUR is available (and widely read!) in Denmark. According to Sec. 140 of the Danish Penal Code (Staffeloven), "Den, der offentlig driver spot med eller forhåner noget her i landet lovligt bestående religionssamfunds troslærdomme eller gudsdyrkelse, straffes med bøde eller fængsel indtil 4 måneder." We are not quite sure what that means exactly, but it's something about being jailed for ridiculing religion. Sincere as your article may be, it might be misconstrued, wherefore we cannot publish it in good faith. I therefore reject it.

Best regards,
Hanjo Hamann

Jenyusz Corry Spawn Dance

2011-07-15T13:51:00.000-07:00

Sumision- y teriblul books get publishd and min dont.

Teribul book get publishd and min dont cuz the publshng industi dont no genyus when day c it. Also they stik to staus kwo and cant stand 2 hav precunsepshuns chalenged.

My srty abut a boy of 12 fallin in love with a 60yo prest is heartbraking and my mum says it is a wurk of 'stagring genyus'
Hair it is.

[Clipped by the Editor-in-Chief to avoid publishing a submission]

Da End.

If ya rezhet dis you r as dum as evryone else.

Kitty.

--
http://incaseofsurvival.com

Deer cat,

where rejection ur submissn 2 JofUR becuz shuddinit red
"One day the prest killed *****hisself*****." ???????????????????

I put in the starz xtra soas u wud know witch part wuz wrong. Their not suppose d 2 be they're wen we published ur storey, witch where not going 2 do as I sed b4.

now whose dummer?
Cable
--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

fanku 4 puntng out mi mispling. i prshayt da fdbck.

bt i thk rjection 4 mispelung is smul-mindud whn u fink of mportunce of mi stry.
culdnut u just edit it? i here dats ur job.

u r da dummer 1.
Caitlin

ifn u tink bing editor-in-chef of so an impotent jrnl as Jofur is so EZ or that u
cud do bettor, well, ydontcha jiz start ur oan jrnl ??????

i am try hard, but wen u say i dum, well it hurtz my feelies.
:(
cable

p.s. is it u the dum 1. ha ha ha!!

i iz sry 4 hutin filins. mus b vry hard 2 edit big impurtnt jurnal. bt I notiss lut of splling mistkes. Wunce u speled ' Luv' 'L-O-V-E!' so ur not so grate.

iz vry hurd not 2 haz jenyuz notissed by peepul. 2. dat rilly hurt mi flings.

But win I am ded and rilly famus n vry1 wunts 2 rid mi wurk ull rigrit not publeeshn me.
Caitlin

PS; NAH U R DUM 1!!!!

and i mite start mi own jurnl. 'jurnl of proper spllin an jenyusz'. One pirsun poblijed and it ME ME ME.

i oanlee writed 'love' liek dat bcuz i wuz bing fancee, dat is hough da Franch usta writed it b4 they're qurant weigh witch is 'loeuf.' u shudda noan dat if u is rilly jenyusz.

anyweigh, y doan i put are corry spawn dance on my blog, den will see whose rilly the dumdum cuz the reeders ken voat?

- cable

dat iz eccepabul.

den moar pplcn c how clevar i am.

Journal of Universal Rejection Store

2011-07-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

Dearest Readership,

Who has not taken a sip of coffee from a trendy Science cup before spotting that it is super-late on a Nature clock and immediately donning super comfy pyJAMAs? So, in the long and illustrious march of prestigious Journals' merchandising, it is only natural the the Journal of Universal Rejection should join.

Herewith, and with great fanfare here, we proudly unveil The Journal of Universal Rejection Store.

Get your credit cards out. Check Facebook for your friends' upcoming birthdays! Stop grinding your teeth because the start of school is not far away. With your sporty new shirt you'll keep your classmates, colleagues, coworkers, social workers and custodial staff laughing as they go.

Go to the Store (I am using the Jedi mind-trick on you). Go often. New designs are in the pipeline.

The Shortcomings of Your Proposal

2011-07-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

Dear K,

Thank you for submitting to the Journal of Universal Rejection. Unfortunately for you this editor is 6'2" tall, and did not take kindly to the Modest Proposal put forth that all heights be capped via surgery at 5'2".

And so I'm Swiftly dropping this rejection on you from a great height (like a bird, yeah, a bird struck by a stone, yeah).

How is the weather down there?
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

To Nap, or Not to Nap...

2011-07-08T20:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Profs H and V:

Thank you very much for your submission "Universal Rejection as an Editing Policy to Avoid the Publication Bias" to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

The piece was brilliant, a real breath of fresh air in the musty halls of the publishing world. It is true that I had not thought about how fully our Journal helps the desperate layperson. Of course I reject your idea of NAPs (negative-acceptance rate publications) out-of-hand. (I do, however, fully embrace naps! Especially since my son has decided 5:30am is a great time to wake up every day.)

Moreover, I reject your article for publication in JofUR. It is not due to the NAPs, which was a minor, remediable, point. Rather the main flaw was that you graphed the number of replicable experiments vs. acceptance rate on a logarithmic scale. Yet don't we all know only too well that log(0) is undefined!

Yawn, g'night,
Caleb
--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Dollar Days at JofUR

2011-07-06T20:59:00.000-07:00

Dear avid readership, we have an !!!EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT!!! While many of you celebrated the birth of a nation a couple days ago by exploding copious amounts of gunpowder near my sleeping son, the real fireworks should have been saved for today's announcement. In honor of the adoption of the dollar as the official currency of the US on July 6, 1785, we have decided to have a !!!SPECIAL EVENT SALE!!!

For the next week, a year's subscription to JofUR can be secured for 50% off the cover price. That is four lovely issues of JofUR can be ours for a mere £60.

!!!BUT WAIT, THAT'S NOT ALL!!! In honor of the adoption of the dollar, we will even accept $60.

The Youngest Rejector

2011-07-03T19:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Thermosquel,

I ha

"/'.;l,,l m k m,,ub99njjnmjlkll;lnm
,m.

+, /,,/kgjmuk.i.=Ui=iii
i[=oiooiio

Therefore your submission is rejected.

Best regards,
Caleb

p.s. My son took over the rejection letter for awhile but I have wrested the computer back from him. I regret your rejection could not have been more sensical.

Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Readers Reject IV: An Update

2011-07-03T19:50:00.000-07:00

Note from the Editor-in-Chief: We are busy looking for referees as per the first comment. A decision will be rendered when javelinas soar.

Cultural Anthropology vs. Aardvarks

2011-06-23T13:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. B.,

Thank you for the enquiry. We are very much interested in receiving all sorts of papers. You suggest one in the field of cultural anthropology, and that would be fine. However, frankly we would prefer one about aardvarks. Aardvarks are funny animals, and since we're going to reject your paper anyway, we might as well do so laughing. Of course to me, the funniest thing about aardvarks is their name, because it starts with two 'a's and ends with 'vark.' However you may not find this as humorous as I do, given that you probably speak Dutch and just think it means 'Earth Pig.'

Anyhoo, maybe you should stick with cultural anthropology. It seems like you had some good ideas, though I must admit I skimmed them. O o o!, or you could write about wombats.

Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Spotlight on Associate Editor: Omar Ha-Redeye

2011-06-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

Biographical Sketch for Omar Ha-Redeye, AAS, BHA(Hons.), PGCERT, J.D.

With a name like Omar Ha-Redeye you have no choice but to be unique, and you quickly learn to reject normalcy. He was diagnosed as a genius at an early age, leading to a life-long rejection of mainstream education as something boring and unchallenging.

He was born in Hamilton, Ontario and grew up in Toronto, but rejected the notion that he should stay in his home town. Starting out his journeys as a young teen he traveled across Canada, somehow graduating high-school out in the Prairies, and made a few trips around the world before ending up in the United States.

Rejecting the idea that students should do a straight-forward degree in Arts and study something like Chaucer, or a Science degree where he could look at organic chemistry for hours on end, he went all out and studied Nuclear Medicine Technology.

Most people in this field tend to find a nice hospital job and settle down for a while, while a select few make some real money travelling and doing temp work. Omar rejected the former option, which led to further rejection of more leases and local ties.

He also rejected the idea that he should be content with something like nuclear medicine, and continued on his education in health management. After sampling some management experience in traditional healthcare settings, he decided he needed more chaos in his life and made his way to a disaster zone in the Far East.

There’s only so much rubble you can clear and only so many dead bodies you can bury before you start looking for a new gig. Public relations was the flavour of the year, right before jumping into yet another field.

If there’s any profession that is imbued with tradition, it would be the law. Unlike in the United States, Canadians retain much of their British heritage. They don’t wear wigs any more in Canada, but the lawyers there still wear legal robes.

He would’ve gone with pink robes if he wasn’t concerned the judge would kick him out of the courtroom. Instead he settled for fancy tabs, which in the legal profession is really pushing the limit.

His law school is still recovering from his time there, which fortunately ended in 2010. Besides creating general havoc and turning the school on its head, he headed a wide assortment of student clubs. Perhaps most importantly, he found the notion that his law school was the only Common Law (English) school without a law review to be thoroughly repugnant.

He created the Western Law Review Association to change that, and the club finally launched The University of Western Ontario Journal of Legal Studies in 2011. The journal is strongly contemplating the model of the Journal of Universal Rejection as one that would considerably minimize the work involved, and to date has refused to publish a single issue.

Perhaps a little inconsistent, he is less tolerant of others rejecting him. He insisted on publishing in several books and journals throughout law school, including Oxford University Press. Don’t even try turning him down on a date.

But because editors tend to frustrate him, his major form of publication is self-publication. You might know them as blogs. Just try Googling his name, you’ll get an idea of what this guy has done. He has even managed to get his blog posts cited in reputable legal journals (suckers).

Within months of graduating law school he was offered a part-time teaching position at Ryerson University. He thought about rejecting it, but then imagined all the fun he could have rejecting the arguments of his students. They come prepared to class with a thick skin, lots of alternative theories, and sometimes, a box of tissues.

His total lack of conformity to any sense of a traditional career makes him perfect for an editorial position with the Journal of Universal Rejection. Just please, don’t take his rejections personally.

Remember, it’s not you, it’s him.

The End of All War

2011-06-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

Hello,

Attached please find my submission to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

Sincerely,

endwar

Dear End War,

Is your submission the end of all war? That is a hard thing to reject. So I am not going to reject your central tenet "the end of all war," but simply reject your document, which you did not attach, or if it is the empty document then auto-reject it.

Best regards,
Caleb

p.s. If you could let me know if the lack of an attachment was purposeful or an oversight that will help me keep my empty document count accurate. Thanks.

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Footnotes

2011-06-17T08:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Prof D,

Thank you for your submission "Are There Too Many Footnotes In Journal Articles?" But we are rejecting it because it did not contain enough footnotes.^{1,2,3,4,5,6,7}

Sincerely,
Caleb

1. How many footnotes are enough?
2. That is a question you didn't answer.
3. How will we ever know?
4. Probably less than ten per paragraph.
5. And it should also be a prime number.
6. And as many as possible given constraints 4 & 5.
7. Therefore 7.

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

New Motto?

2011-06-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

The Journal of Universal Rejection... Making It That Much Easier to Get into the Rejected Quarterly.

Scurrilous

2011-06-13T13:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Vaclav,

Thank you for your submission "Business through the eyes of Catholic Church" to the Journal of Universal Rejection. It has been filed away until it is "ripe" for rejecting. You never know when that will be.

However I wanted to respond right away to the scurrilous accusation that our email account editor@universalrejection.org is "acting funny." There are two reasons I wanted to respond to this scurrilous accusation right away:
(1) it is scurrilous, and
(2) I needed some blog content to post today, but am too lazy to write a rejection letter right now.

So, as to the scurrilous accusation that our mail is "acting funny." First let me point out that the accusation is completely scurrilous. The fact that the email address semi-randomly will bounce emails is not a bug; it is a feature. (And it is scurrilous of you to claim otherwise.) Some submissions to JofUR are rejected by "Editor Email" as I call him. Secondly let me point out that not only is the accusation scurrilous, but I find it scurrilous. (You will have to ask a philosopher about that one. You could ask our own resident philosopher Luca Moretti, but chances are he'd find you question scurrilous and reject you out-of-hand.) Thirdly, ..., we I don't really have a thirdly. And fourthly that's all I have to say.

With scurrilous regards,
Caleb
--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

The Lament of the Indigenous Freshperson

2011-06-12T12:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Bill,

Thanks for submitting
A poem that was "interesting."
It's not artifice
If I call it nice.
Some of the formatting was queer,
Like the punctuation at the end of this line here?
And I found it wretched
How some of the rhymes were stretchéd.
And felt enraged
By the biased language.
We've decided to refrain
From publishing your refrain
For at least a year.
Frankly your work's subpar.

Best regards,
Caleb

p.s. To say your work is "subpar" is actually a complement. Isn't the goal in golf to get your scores subpar?

p.p.s. Your poem was better than mine, but you probably spent more time on it. That's my lame excuse.

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

A Statistical Aesthete

2011-06-08T20:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Prof S.,

Thank you for submitting a statistical poem to the Journal of Universal rejection.

An analysis of word-lengths appearing in your poem yielded the following:

1 letter words	1	1.4%
2 letter words	8	11.4%
3 letter words	15	21.4%
4 letter words	17	24.3%
5 letter words	10	14.3%
6 letter words	8	11.4%
7 letter words	3	4.3%
8 letter words	6	8.6%
12 letter words	1	1.4%
13 letter words	1	1.4%

It appears that there are too many 8-letter words in your poem.

Therefore we must reject your poem. Should you convert some 8-letter words into 7-letter words, and/or perform a Kolmogorov–Smirnov test on a log-transformation of this data, we will reconsider your piece. (Don't hope for any change in the outcome, however.)

Best regards,
Caleb
--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Read Read Wine

2011-06-07T14:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. C,

Thank you for submitting "Mercury Concentration in Italian Red Wine from a Mining Contaminated Region, Tuscany" to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

We will soon be holding our annual Editorial Board retreat at an undisclosed location, and were wondering if you would be willing to deliver 4,250 L of wine there (we would at that point disclose the location). Should the wine contain undue quantities of mercury--or lead--that would fit perfectly with the banquet's theme "The Mad Hatter's Teaparty." Tasting will proceed in a musical-chairsy sort of way, with the Editor-in-Chief leading the way as we rotate around the table, relating personal anecdotes, reciting oodles of nonsense poetry, and posing unsolvable riddles. You could come if you want.

In return for the wine we will promise to report any slurred speech or other toxicological effects to contribute to your wider study. Who knows, perhaps we would all be feeling jolly and you would score the first acceptance issued by our Journal. Without an affirmative response on the beverage delivery, however, I'm afraid I must hold up a mirror to your rejection.

Best regards,

Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Readers Reject IV: Universalism

2011-06-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

Dear readership, here is your fourth opportunity to reject an abstract submitted to JofUR, and your first opportunity to reject two people from Harvard, one from Belgium, and someone from some mag known as Science, all in one fell swoop. Please post your rejection letters in the Comments section. Be careful, they are tricky.

What’s wrong with universalism?

Abstract : In this paper, we argue against universalism. There are innumerable examples of exceptions to the rule. This, in fact is a rule. We look at the consequences of this important finding for publication ethics. Our finding is that, despite the weather, if the problem is proving that there are always exceptions to the rule, then proof depends on you. Were this paper to be (unfairly) rejected, it would support our secondary hypothesis that not every rule has an exception.

Content : The proof is in the pudding (or in the abstract)

Authors

Axel Gosseries (Louvain University)

John Bohannon (Science magazine)

Nir Eyal (Harvard University)

Leah Price (Harvard University)

Blibber Blatner

2011-06-03T19:29:00.000-07:00

Preliminary abstract of as-yet-pre-first-draft paper:
How to think good.
This paper describes how to think good.
Good thoughts in a good way.
If you don't publish this, maybe you're bad. You don't want that, do you? Nooooo, I know you don't. So try. Try harder. ... no, a little harder... to the right... up a little, up, up, and away... that's it.
I await your first complimentary issue.

Very humbly and sincerely,
Adam Blatner, M.D.

Dear Dr Blatner,
Thank you for your submission to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

We liked your indenting and punctuation. But indenting and punctuation alone do not cut it. We're afraid that the rest of the submission did not warrant publication in our prestigious Journal. Try not to take it too hard.

Best regards,

Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Caleb, Caleb old buddy, Don't do this to me. This is my one shot to get published! My acamedic carer is at steik! Look, I'll put in the punrcreation, the cumpturitin, whatever, the dots and dashes and spot... I'll wash your windows...

Caleb, don't make me beg, man.

For me, for old times, for the good times, pleeez

I'll lern to spel beter, 2. Give me a brake.

My techer was texting alla time. How cud I lern to rite gud?

A for effort, y'know?

Don't reget my self-isteam.

Your hummel and obedient survant (I read they uset 2 sine letres that way in the olden days)

Adam.

Dear Professor or doctor or somthing hoity-toity...
A few months ago I did you the honor of submitting or threatening to submit some world-shaking insight for your publicational enjoyments, but you gave the puny excuse below. Let me flatter your ego by noting that your concept is faintly amusing to the less (or more) desperate, but I have saved my copy of our correspondence and will challenge your good (or bad) judgment to give me a break this one last time, no kidding.
Perhaps mine is not the only item and you have accumulated sufficiently insightful pieces for a print-on-demand volume---so much more plausible than a decade past.
If you are sufficiently apologetic, I'll allow you to respond. Otherwise, this is (sob) our final communication. From now on, it's up to THE ANGELS (ominous thumping music in the background)...

Or perhaps I will let you write up your experiences for the Journal of (very) speculative philosophy. (It turns out there actually is a journal of speculative philosophy, so I had to stretch it.)

I remain, your humble & etc. Adam

Dear Adam,

We can't publish such Blibber Blatner.
Our printing press isn't made of rubber.

Video interlude:

Thank you for a lot of fun sir.

Best regards,
Caleb

Ultimate Foosball

2011-06-02T20:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Drs. S., H., H., and L.:

Thank you for you submission "Ultimate Foosball" to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

We have been too busy conducting an Ultimate Foosball tournament to respond to your wonderful submission. However the tournament, and it's followup 7 round rematch has finally come to an end, and a period of ultimate exhaustion ensued. After that we drank some lemonade and felt much better.

Then we sat down and had a hard think about rejecting your piece. This was not going to be easy. Did we need to find a reason to reject? No, not according to our charter. But we had this nagging suspicion that if our rejection fell short of your expectations you would shoot back with an email that read "Our grandmothers could reject better than that." The horror! The horror!

But our cogitations wound down to an end without great effect. Therefore we are sending this rejection, for what it's worth. And we've chartered a boat to float up the Thames; you'll find us mumbling at length about rejection in the jungle, and obsessively checking our email on our iPad. At nights we'll dream of Ultimate Foosball as we shiver under the grey starless skies.

Best regards,
Caleb
--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Splitting the Difference

2011-05-31T13:35:00.000-07:00

Dear NW,

Let p denote the proposition "JofUR should publish your paper." You hold the opinion p. I hold the opinion ~p. Assuming that we are peers with unimpeded judgment, and you are a believer in Feldman/Elga/Christensen's "split the difference" (SD), then it follows that you must now have no opinion about whether JofUR should publish your paper. I, however, am not a believer in SD, so I retain my opinion ~p. Therefore we shall not publish your paper, and you can sit there quite indifferently. Everyone is happy if you believe in SD, so I've got my fingers crossed that you do. I shan't tire you with the detail of my belief in ~p.

Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Octo3.14159...

2011-05-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for your submission "What do octopuses eat?" to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

Your poem showed masterful use of syntax, punctuation, commas, typing, English words, pretty much everything; unlike this sentence here. Also I learned a lot about octopi.

We are rejecting your work, because everyone knows it's octopi. Oh wait, I just learned it's octopuses. No, wait, octopodes. Here is a video interlude:

So I am rejecting because, as a mathematician, I've decided it should be spelled octoπ.

Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Lyrisist: The Finale

2011-05-18T13:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. Lyris,

Rarely do we see such talent. Your provocative characters and intense drama kept us deeply engaged until the brilliant ending, after which we felt the need to plant forests and work at soup kitchens.

To be blunt, your stories have brought us the personal transformation and transcendence we might otherwise have spent a lifetime seeking.

On behalf of the Journal we must reject your submission on the grounds that our readership is simply not mature enough for this sort of insight. We're sure you understand.

Should you decide to submit again you might consider something more light-hearted. We understand that Dr. Isaac Asimov wrote limericks in between Nebula and Hugo acceptance speeches. Perhaps you can do likewise.

Sincerely,

Sonia Lyris, Editor

Crack Teams Investigate Weed

2011-05-17T13:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. V,

Thank you for submitting your abstract on the nomenclature and taxonomy of Croton glabellus L.

I asked our crack Botanical Research Team for their input. They went right to Google and found some photos of what looks to be a rather drab weed with no apparent medicinal or industrial value whatsoever.

I then referred the matter to our crack Orthographic Special Ops team. They pulled out their Scrabble tiles and worked around the clock for a week anagramming Croton glabellus L. Here is the most provocative term they came up with: TROLL UNCLOGS BALE.

It’s not immediately clear what this means, but I think we’re definitely onto something. If our OSO guys come up with anything that justifies publication in the JofUR, we’ll be in touch.

Karl M. Petruso
Associate Editor

Chuck Norris I

2011-05-16T18:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Sirs,

I am wondering if Chuck Norris' papers can be accepted in your journal

Best,
Nikos

Dear Nikos,

That is a very important--and very frightening--question. To you I am tempted to say, "No," we would stick to our principles and not accept one of Chuck Norris' papers. However, were Chuck Norris to actually make a submission.... Hm. It is like when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. I am a little worried it would create a singularity.

Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Lyrisist, cont.

2011-05-13T12:56:00.000-07:00

This post was up a few days ago, but seems to have disappeared?! I am reposting.

Dear Dr. Emmons,

After reflecting on both your new and standing requirements and struggling with various revisions, I present to you my -- I cannot help but think of it as "our" -- newest version. I struggled with how to provide the needed verisimilitude without including any description whatsoever, which provided me with a stumbling block until I remembered that the heart and soul of a story resides not in the words but in the reader.

This story, perhaps my greatest effort thus far, is, in typical fashion, below. This letter. Below this letter.

YOS, etc,

Sonia Lyris

P.S. I'm eager to hear back about my start date.

A Woman and a Fish

Fish: Mollie. Fish. Done? Go plop. Repeat Fish. Plop. Big kiss. Whap! Ahhh...! The End.

Dear Editor Lyris:

Welcome to the Showboat, a.k.a. the Editorial Board. I am forwarding you your first assignment (see message below). Please carefully review and reject this submission directly to the submitter. You may cc me on the rejection if you think it is blogworthy.
Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Dear Dr. Emmons,

This story, perhaps my greatest effort thus far, is, in typical fashion, below. This letter. Below this letter.

YOS, etc,

Sonia Lyris

P.S. I'm eager to hear back about my start date.

A Woman and a Fish

Fish: Mollie. Fish. Done? Go plop. Repeat Fish. Plop. Big kiss. Whap! Ahhh...! The End.

GATTACA

2011-05-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. C.,

Thank you for your submission entitled "An efficient method to generate a single- or double-site DNA mutation" to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

Although your piece provides a thoughtful look at the mise en scene of the movie GATTACA, I am afraid we do not publish movie reviews in the Journal.

Therefore your submission is rejected.

Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Spotlight on Associate Editor: Sonia Lyris

2011-05-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

We are very please to welcome our first editor from the real world, Sonia Lyris. She will be our editor for works of short fiction.

Biographical sketch for Sonia Lyris:

Sonia Lyris showed an early aptitude for rejection when Tony Lockman refused to tie her shoes in kindergarten so she asked him again. Growing up brought the usual cruel jokes and mocking laughter of school chums but somehow it wasn't enough. Only by running for school office, trying out for cheer-leading, and auditioning for roles in the high school dramatic production was she able to achieve the rejection she sought.

Years of success as a software engineer left her feeling that something was missing, so took up the pen to write fiction, gathering rejections at a prodigious rate from respected publishing houses and major magazines. She is most proud of her rejections from prestigious publications like Playboy, The New Yorker, OMNI, and -- her greatest triumph -- the Journal of Universal Rejection.

Sonia brings a unique perspective to the Journal. She believes that
her extensive rejection experience, being rejected so many times in so many ways, both personally and professionally, gives her special insight into the rejection process and an ability to fashion rejections that provide the recipient the best possible chance of getting more. Depending on a daily regime of tango dancing and Internet dating to hone her ability to take and dish out, she feels that she has finally found her calling at the Journal.

"Fear of rejection destroys the most brilliant and creative among us," she says. "If, instead of running away, we could turn and embrace this angel of darkness, we could move beyond fear and finally give not the slightest of flying figs or the smallest of damns."

Spotty

2011-05-06T11:50:00.000-07:00

Note from the Editor-in-Chief: It's crunch time, and vacation time, so posts may be a bit spotty for a while. We'll get back up to speed here in a bit. Try to not be too sad in the mean time. -Caleb

There Was a Pregnant Pause Before He Said "OK"

2011-05-04T21:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Mike,

Thank you for submitting a poem. It was very very very very very clever. And your vocabulary is really off-the-charts. You even used the word 'gravid' that this editor felt compelled to look up. Kudos.

Despite the sense of wild success presaged in the previous paragraph, we must let you know: your submission has been rejected. You should know better than to be so clever. It's not good for you.

Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Readers Reject III: The Results

2011-05-04T21:03:00.000-07:00

Congratulations Quintopia for winning our 3rd installment of Readers Reject. You had the good sense to respect the Editor-in-Chief (more or less). The winning rejection follows.

Martins-Coelho et al:

Your review of rejection is too limited in scope. You rejected every paper in a single database, but there are many works worthy of analyzing in regard to systematic rejection outside of this database. The "Merriam-Webster Dictionary" is one such work. By citing this work you tacitly accepted it, and therefore I must conclude that your systematic rejection was not nearly as thorough as such a worthy study would call for. In order to improve this work and make it as thorough as it deserves, you should, as my colleague Bob O'H (ghost-writing for Frau Emmons) has pointed out, pre-reject your own submission. Please make these minor revisions and promptly fail to resubmit your paper. If you do not submit it again, I can guarantee that I will recommend to the editorial board that it not be rejected.

Peerless Review

2011-05-03T11:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. M.,

Thank you for your submission "The Publishing Paradox: Appropriate Methods of Peer-Review." We have decided finally to reject it because we were not able to find an appropriate peer-reviewer for it.

Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

The POEM from POEM

2011-05-02T09:31:00.000-07:00

We received a POEM entitled POEM from someone named POEM. You might guess what the text was.

Dear POEM,

Thank you for submitting POEM to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

We read your work POEM closely. The text was brilliant, frankly. When you used the word 'POEM' it was quite a crescendo. Your work transcended meta. It was transcendmetal. Also transcendmental. I was left breathless, before breathing in again, as a new person.

Sadly I must let you know that we cannot publish POEM.

Sincerely,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

I was so inspired by POEM's POEM, that I had to write again:

FYI, I was inspired to write

REJECTION
by REJECTION
REJECTION

You may regard this as a second response to your piece if you wish.

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Be Nice to Chickens

2011-04-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. S.,

Thank you for submitting your video entitled "Living Chicken Embryo Slices Don't Tolerate Toxins Very Well" to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

I am rejecting your submission with the following video:

Note: I did not make this video, nor am I associated in any way with it. I came across it by typing "chicken toxin" into the YouTube search box.

Best regards,
Caleb

p.s. I didn't send your submitted video to Editor Chicken because I didn't want to upset him!

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

In the Submission from Michael the Title Was Long and Quixotically (How Do You Pronounce That Anyway?)--Though Perhaps not Suprisingly--Convolutedly Straightforward (Is that Really One Word?), However the Discussion Was Much Too Brief

2011-04-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

Mike,

Too brief; rejected.

- Caleb

Lyrisist

2011-04-27T14:16:00.000-07:00

More correspondence with author Sonia Lyris. The earlier conversation may be found here.

Hi Sonia,

Our correspondence went up on the blog, so now it is your turn to be famous.

As to the dialog, I have faced these fancy deconstructionist (or whatever) arguments from others. If it is in quotes it is dialog. Except in the case of those crazy fishmongers that put "FRESH" on their signs (with the quotation marks!--we don't buy fish there), or similar circumstances of which your talking monkey is not one.

I did not bother to ask my wife about this, but I'm sure she agrees.

Best regards,
Caleb

Dear Dr. Emmons:

I have been so disconsolate since your last letter I have barely known how to reply. We differ, you and I, on the subtlest of tenuous post-modern deconstructionist arguments. Thus I am forced to ask: have I earned this rejection? No, I must answer; I have not!

So hard and long have I worked for this rejection only to find now it tastes no more of success than failure. It is to me as a glass of water that has sat beside a wine bottle for five minutes is to an alcoholic. How can I show my face to my fellow writers who receive handfuls of rejections a month, all pure and unsullied by questions of reality and "quotes"? (I have just now spoken that word, so this is correct usage.)

Simply put: I cannot!

While you may understand your rejection to be true and right, good sir, I am left wanting.

And so, please find attached another story submission which I send in the hopes that this time, perhaps, I will have truly earned the rejection I crave. I trust you will give it all the consideration I have by now surely earned.

YOS, etc.,

Sonia Lyris

P.S. Here is my story. It is called "A Story." I have quoted it because that's what I call it.

Once upon a time there was someone who innocently acted with the best of intentions, or perhaps out of ignorance, we can't be sure, and things went wrong. He or she tried to fix this but it only got worse. With a mighty struggle, help from an unexpected source, and attendant personal growth, he or she finally managed to fix the problem in a delightful way that leaves us feeling good. The end.

Dear Sonia,

Thank you for submitting another story. It is always a delight to hear from you, and see the multisplendent amalgams of words you arrange. This submission was no different. But we did find a problem with it. It is too descriptive. Our readership doesn't have time for all the details, and other aids to imagination that you have included. Please do a rewrite that lacks any adjectives and adverbs, and avoids long words. And we'd like to see a fishmonger named Mollie in the story.

Best regards,
Caleb

Dear Dr. Emmons:

It is likewise always a pleasure to nearly hit my target. I dare say I'm getting quite good at it.

Please find (below; really, it's not that hard to find) my rewrite as per your thoughtful and insightful rewrite suggestions. As is so often the case, I cannot tell you how grateful I am for your feedback.

YOS, etc.

The Story:

Once upon a time there was a fishmonger named Mollie. Some stuff with fish happened. It was intense. It's over now. The end.

Dear Sonia,

According to my dictionary, "intense" is an adjective. I thought I asked for none of those. Also your story is too short, and not enough happens. I want more details. Put me into Mollie's life. I want to hear the wet slap of fish as Mollie plops it on her display counter. I want to feel the sparge of the fish's last exhalation, as its eyes go glassy. I want to smell--no, to taste!--the delicate parfum of sea salt and kelp gracing Mollie's sun roughened neck. But pretend I am a blind man; I don't want to see anything.

Best regards,
Caleb
p.s. We correspond so frequently, perhaps you could address me more informally. (E.g., use a comma.)

p.p.s. We have received many short stories of late. (I also consider blank documents and research articles short stories.) Perhaps you would like to join our Editorial Board?

Readers Reject III: Rejection - A Systematic Review

2011-04-26T07:41:00.000-07:00

Our third installment of the Readers Reject series features a submission from Gustavo Martins-Coelho, Anneke van der Niet, and Luca Valerio. As usual, please post your rejection letters in the Comments section. (As hint, the authors clearly deserve to be rejected for addressing me as "Mr.")

Dear Mr. Emmons,

We believe that an updated systematic review on rejection is missing on your prestigious journal. We therefore fill this gap with the current submission.

Please find below our submission for the JoUR.

Yours sincerely,

Gustavo Martins-Coelho

Anneke van der Niet

Luca Valerio

Title: Rejection - a systematic review

Authors: Martins/Coelho G, van der Niet A, Valerio L

Introduction:

Rejection is the action of rejecting [1]. It is also a useful tool to dispose of both useless and useful scientific knowledge. The objective of this study is to review rejection as referred to in scientific literature.

Methods:

We performed a systematic literature review of bibliographic electronic databases and we rejected all the papers that were identified.

Results:

From the 74973 papers identified, all were rejected. We thus included 0 papers in the review.

Conclusion:

We should not underestimate the impact of rejection for the sake of good scientific literature. Further research is needed in this field.

Reference:

1. Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Spotlight on Associate Editor: César A. Rodríguez-Rosario

2011-04-25T12:51:00.000-07:00

Biographical Sketch for César A. Rodríguez-Rosario, Ph.D. (BS Computer Engineering from University of Puerto Rico at Mayagüez, PhD in Physics from University of Texas at Austin)

Dr. Rodríguez-Rosario is a Postdoctoral Fellow in the Department of Chemistry and Chemical Biology at Harvard University. His interdisciplinary background is a superficially disguised history of rejection after rejection from one field to the next. He is an expert in Open Quantum Systems, in which he studies theoretical models of how to reject and discard quantum information.

On the left: Ludwig Boltzmann, who's life story is one of many rejections;
On the right: Cesar dressed like Boltzmann.

Improbable

2011-04-24T17:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Prof. B., et. al.,

Thank you for your submission to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

After a thorough and penetrating review we have decided to reject your manuscript. This is because you appear to have not gotten the proper IRB approval to probe zinc antimonides with X-ray photoelectron spectroscopy. Did you even take the antimonide's feelings into consideration at all?

(Our own review would have been shorter, but we did seek out the IRB approval for our own penetrating review of your paper.)

Best regards,
Caleb

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

Spam I

2011-04-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Michael,

Thank you for your spam message claiming you have developed a software that automatically places my ad on millions of blogs.

Although I reject your submission for publication in JofUR, I look forward to subscribing to your service. Apparently I will receive thousands of targeted hits to my website as Blog Blaster places my ad on blogs that match my ad's category.

I am very excited that this method has never been released to the public before. And if, as you say, "very few, if anyone has implemented this!" then I am even more, if at all, exciting.

Best regards,

Caleb

Caleb Emmons, PhD

Editor-in-Chief

Journal of Universal Rejection

Reprobatio Certa

The State of the University

The Archer Urges Caution

Time for the Metric System

The Boycott of Elsevier

Reality Therapy

... 87, 88, 89, ...

Five JofUR Essay Topics

ExtraTerrestrial Begs and Threatens

Palindrome Em Or Dni Lap

The Contents of Our Stocking

JofUR Rejects SOPA: Press Release

Untitled.odt

The 10-minute Play

Twitter Twitter Twitter

Andre the Giant and Mentos

Crass Precedent

To Rebooted Switches in a Wiring Closet

Touring Machines

Pigs, Apples, Death, Sex, and Gender

"Errors"

The Choice of Axioms

Issues with Issues

Kung Fu Master

Blind Review

Black Friday/Metallic Saturday/Robot Sunday/Cyber Monday

Some Bookkeeping

Wildlandphotos

Spotlight on Associate Editor: Ghil'ad Zuckermann

We Want to Be the 1%

Acceptable Topics: The Submission

Whom Do I Reject?

Acceptable Topics

Rhetoric

Limericks II

Rats!

The ICψ

Red Dawn

The "Good Catch!" Awards

Completely Untitled

Schroedinger's Improper Care of Felines

Farewell to Velociraptors

Velociraptors!

As Easy as (Dutch) Apple Pie

No Bird Suits Needed

Top 5 Papers I Wish Had Been Submitted to JofUR

#5 Burgoyne, Paul S., Thumbs down for zinc finger? Nature 342, 860 - 862 (28 December 1989)

#2 Elaine Fuchs, Tudorita Tumbar and Geraldine Guasch, Socializing with the Neighbors: Stem Cells and Their Niche Cell, Volume 116, Issue 6, 19 March 2004, Pages 769-778

Okay, there is nothing particularly funny about this paper. I only included it so I could gratuitously link back to these posts about the neighbors (whom I reject) and this post about stem cells since people thought those were funny.

#1 Erdoğan Şen, An Inequality for Second Order Differential Equation with Retarded Argument Advances in Pure Mathematics, 2011, 1, 243-244

The Philadelphia Lendry

Suspenders

No QQing

Application Anxiety

Referee Cleverbot's Report

It Is a Pipe

International Transcultural Psychiatry Conference

Spotlight on Associate Editor: Hanjo Hamann

Mmmmmmm Berry Brains....

The Merry Gentleman

Quietly in the End

A Sampling of Poetry

Pigeons

American Psycho

Toast

Jenyusz Corry Spawn Dance

Journal of Universal Rejection Store

The Shortcomings of Your Proposal

To Nap, or Not to Nap...

Dollar Days at JofUR

The Youngest Rejector

Readers Reject IV: An Update

More Twitter Stories Please

Cultural Anthropology vs. Aardvarks

Spotlight on Associate Editor: Omar Ha-Redeye

The End of All War

Footnotes

New Motto?

Scurrilous

The Lament of the Indigenous Freshperson