Rejection letters, correspondence, and miscellanea from the otherwise empty annals of the Journal of Universal Rejection.

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Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Rejecting Dr. Moriarty

Dr. Moriarty sent us a submission.  I hope it wasn't editorial bias to send it to Editor Holmes for a first-look!  (Now that I think of it, they may have had some run-in in the past.)

In any case, the rejection stands, but I find it astonishing how much Editor Holmes could glean from reading the poem.  Here is the poem for reference:

The Lament of Farmer Dillon
by Dr. Patrick Moriarty

‘We’ll all be rooned’, said Bernard
‘You mark my words’, he said.
‘The price of milk is going down
We’ll soon be in the red.’

‘I planted spuds again this year
I thought that would be nice
The river rose and drowned the crop
I should have planted rice.’

His wife, his children, gather near
The better his wise words to mark.
‘We’ll soon be eating cabbage stew
And shivering in the dark.’

Bernard, Bernard, lighten up
Things are not so bad
May this bottled present help you
Be a little bit more glad.

and Holmes' response:

Dear Dr. Moriarty

Thank you for submitting your poem to the Joor'nal of Universal Rejection.  I see from the verse that you continue your work as an evil mastermind.

I gathered from the first stanza that you taught Civil Engineering, probably somewhere in the Africa until the late 1970s.  The second stanza strongly hints that you research urban land use (Asian and Australian I presume).  From the third stanza it is clear that you dabble in alternative energy (perhaps trying to be 'hip').  Finally I can surmise that you are a fan of Omar Khayyam.

Law enforcement has been notified, but they told me they didn't have any charges against you.  Imbeciles!  We shall see.

You may rest assured your submission is rejected.

S. Holmes
Editor, Journal of Universal Rejection

1 comment:

  1. Just goes to show the benefits of universal rejection. Dr Moriarty’s poem is very similar to ‘Said Hanrahan’ by the Australian John O’Brien and might have tarnished the journal’s prestige with a nasty plagiarism scandal. I suggest you sack the editors and reviewers for not realizing.