Dear M ,
Thank you for your submission to the Journal of Universal Rejection. We appreciate that you did not send the paper, and opted instead for a bullet-pointed list. (In the future, please attached bullet-pointed lists as PowerPoint documents.)
Your list began with the claim that "reality therapy is pretty frickin' sweet." This led us to the thankfully-unblacked-out Wikipedia to read the first paragraph of the article about reality therapy.
Your submission has completely changed the life of this editor. When I read that reality therapy does not try to delve into a patient's past, but rather to focus on positive changes for the future, it reverberated to the depths of my sole (yes, I did mean to spell it that way). Could this therapy be applied to me? Don't I often hold on to past wrongs, and poison all future endeavors? Reading that paragraph, I vowed to change for the better. My wife hasn't gotten home from work yet, but when she does, I'm sure she'll be overjoyed to hear that I forgive her for throwing the toilet-paper tube into the trashbin instead of recycling it. And that she is off the hook for saying I put too much salt into last night's dinner. And I forgive my son for when he was eight months old and he bit me! Ah the release! Also my brother will be happy to hear that the vacuum-cleaner shark incident is forgotten.
Now to focus on the future. Yes, I would finally get that hair cut that has been in the offing for months. (Well, hm, maybe.... at least I'm going to clip my toenails.) And do laundry! I have big plans.
With all this heady change, I applied reality theory faster, further. Even unto the Journal of Universal Rejection. Was our title too mired in past resentment. Did all the papers we've rejected weigh on us, like... like... like... something really heavy that weighs on us? Could 'rejection' itself be considered negative? Shall we change our name? Let's see, we're supposed to focus on what we really want. And what we want is not 'rejection.'
And then the answer struck us: We only use rejection as a tool to garner prestige! Maybe we can rename the journal the Journal of Prestigious Prestigiousness! Or the Super Bestest Journal in the World. Super Bestest in the Universe! Universal Journal of Awesomeness!!
But then we thought, nah.
Your submission is rejected.
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Journal of Universal Rejection