Rejection letters, correspondence, and miscellanea from the otherwise empty annals of the Journal of Universal Rejection.

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Sunday, January 8, 2012

Andre the Giant and Mentos

Dear Prof. L             ,

In your paper you write:

"Many caveats apply to our conclusion, which is likely to be false."

This was a breath of fresh air in the musty halls of academia.  Nay, more than a breath, it was as if Andre the Giant ate an entire package of Mentos™, inhaled huge lungfuls of sulfur hexafluoride, and then blew a ginormous blast into said halls.  

Because your paper was so insightful, we have decided not to publish it in the Journal of Universal Rejection.  Here is what would happen if we did:

(1) Your paper would shoot to the top of our most-read list
(2) Your paper would be read by everyone-who's-anyone in academia
(3) You would be inducted into the National Academy of Sciences
(4) Like sand through the hourglass, prestigious job-offers would pour in

And that's just the beginning.  Clearly you could never extricate yourself from academia's musty halls at that point.  The must must overwhelm you--or the mustiness must, mustn't it?  Like one overcome by mustard gas, you would be rendered incapable of escape.

But you deserve to live free.  Publish or perish?  We say live rejected or die!  Perish before it's too late.  Take your insights and head to Wall Street!

Best regards,

Caleb Emmons, PhD
Journal of Universal Rejection

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