Dear Michael Maiello,
Thank you for submitting your play "Titus of the Bank" to the Journal of Universal Rejection.
Unfortunately I must let you know that we can neither publish, nor enact, your play. Moreover, we must discourage you from writing, or sending, any more 10-minute plays. The reason for this is twofold.
Firstly, what is up with a 10-minute play? Think about your consumer--the theater-goer. Must I call a hotline to order overpriced tickets, find a babysitter, take a shower, iron my shirt, comb my hair, find my cuff-links, relearn how to tie a tie, polish my shoes, drive downtown, find parking, stand in line in the cold, have a hassle when they can't find my tickets, get seated in the drafty part of the theater where there is also no view of the stage, and then to find out that the play IS ONLY TEN MINUTES LONG???
So you can see, we are not particularly inclined toward 10-minute plays in general. But let us move on. I have taken a look at your play. It seemed to only have three characters. But I guess that is forgivable, given its length (or shortness). But did you know that the characters "Titus," "Saturninus," and "Tamora" have already appeared in a perfectly good play by a certain Francis Bacon--or was it Christopher Marlowe? In any case, it's been done before, and though I didn't really read your play, I'm sure the old one was much better. And perhaps worth all the travail.
Thanks for your time. Maybe if you add some more to the play, and get some new characters, we will take a second look at it.
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Journal of Universal Rejection