Rejection letters, correspondence, and miscellanea from the otherwise empty annals of the Journal of Universal Rejection.

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Friday, November 4, 2011

Acceptable Topics: The Submission

Readers:  Rogier was kind enough to respond with a submission in not just one, but all four acceptable topics.  I am posting his response to get anonymous (or nonanonymous (would that be nonymous or aymous?).  Why doesn't the 'a' and 'non' in anonymous collapse to be ymous?) feedback to help in rejecting.  Not that we need any help in rejecting.  No, not at all.  We can reject just fine, thank you very much.  Why I rejected just yesterday. 

Recall the acceptable topics were:
(A) In statistical modeling of reductive theories, how can you reformulate the reduction problem as a measurement problem?
(B) Who is John Howard, and what did he found?
(C) Grasshoppers.
(D) What is the answer to this question?

(Rogier's submission after the jump.)

Dear Dr. Emmons,
Much appreciated! I'll just answer all four, so you can reject them blindly and still hit the target, so to speak.

a) Why would anyone do that? I'm not even sure that's legal.

b) I heard John Howard found his wife in a compromising position with the window cleaner, although these are largely unsubstantiated rumors. Of course, rumors aren't very scientific, so certainly not suitable for a scientific journal, especially for one with your exceedingly high standards. Therefore, I've added a p-value to this claim: p=0.28495. That should solve things.

c) I'm going to go out on a limb and expand my carrot cake recipe by adding grasshoppers, because I'm pretty sure that's what you are hinting at with the suggestive punctuation. I mean, no one says 'Grasshoppers.' without an unconscious desire for a nutritious and extra crunchy grasshopper carrot cake recipe. Without further ado:
-Quite a few carrots
-I'm not sure about the proper collective noun for grasshoppers, but I've decided on : "A flugel of grashoppers'. This is about 200, depending on the size, crunchiness and personal preference.
-baking soda
-an ounce of genetically mutated shark (only non-endangered species please)
Stir for a while, bake for a while, eat if hungry or curious. Repeat.

d) I would say 'it depends', but I guess whether that is an appropriate answer depends on the context. So, to solve this little conundrum, I've chosen a different route. Last time, I promised you a graphic, or even a table. I've decided I would take the best of both worlds, and combine this with several other worlds, including flowcharts, statistics, a picture of Einstein and esperanto. Behold, my response to question d!

In addition to the above, I would like to submit the proposition 'JofUR will reject all of my submissions'. I do hope the carrot cake turns out well!

Kindest regards,


  1. Although this submission was never officially accepted, there is no actual notice of rejection within this post. I for one am scandalized that a prestigious journal such as yours would allow its standards to slip so far. You market this journal on a promise of universal and certain rejection, but as of yet this promise has yet to be fulfilled.

    This is disappointing to me, and I must insist that you resolve this issue by rejecting Roger's submission.

  2. Anonymous,

    Thank you for your concern. But you might see

    Anyway, we don't provide a timeline for rejection, nor do we reject on command.

    Best wishes,
    the Editor-in-Chief