Dear Russian people,
Thank you for submitting the results of your
recent експеримент, and congratulations on already listing it on your
CVs. Unfortunately the results were in Russian. (Why does this keep
happening to us? We're really not prepared to handle all these foreign
languages. Some would say we should tap our editorial board and/or use
Google Translate. And at times we do. To quote T.S. Eliot: "Almost at
times the Fool" and "Do I dare to eat a peach?")
So as to your експеримент. I did figure out that word. Because as a
mathematician I know epsilon, pi, rho, eta.... But otherwise I
couldn't make heads or tails of it. In fact it frightened me a little.
It is probably only because I grew up during the 80s on a steady diet
of hiding under our desks practicing for the event of a nuclear
holocaust, watching "Red Dawn," and ingesting other Cold War
propaganda. I don't know why the propaganda here was so effective, but I
can't hear Russian in a coffee shop without breaking out in a cold
sweat, scoping for the quickest route to the exit, and crossing my
fingers that the "Wolverines" show up soon. Of course as a
mathematician, that is also what happens to me any time any one talks to
me or makes an abrupt movement in my direction.
Speaking of coffee shops, you did mention in your (thankfully
English) cover letter that the results of your paper were regarding "the
effects and impacts of dry coffee creamer on the consistency, volume
and taste qualities of freshly brewed caffeinated beverages in general
and hot coffee in particular." I guess that is not too scary. I must
have braved-up a lot by marrying an East German (who has the bad habit
of shouting "Halt - Oder ich schieße!" whenever I come into a room...).
So I will take a deep breath and reject your piece. The rejection is
not due to any flaw in your conclusion (remember, I didn't even read
it), but rather is decreed by the most recent round of SALT talks
(Strategic Acceptance Limitation Treaty).
Remember, I come in peace. Please do not hurt me.
Glasnost and perestroika,
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Journal of Universal Rejection