Rejection letters, correspondence, and miscellanea from the otherwise empty annals of the Journal of Universal Rejection.

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Sunday, October 9, 2011

Red Dawn

Dear Russian people,

Thank you for submitting the results of your recent експеримент, and congratulations on already listing it on your CVs.  Unfortunately the results were in Russian.  (Why does this keep happening to us?  We're really not prepared to handle all these foreign languages.  Some would say we should tap our editorial board and/or use Google Translate.  And at times we do.  To quote T.S. Eliot: "Almost at times the Fool" and "Do I dare to eat a peach?")

So as to your експеримент.  I did figure out that word.  Because as a mathematician I know epsilon, pi, rho, eta....  But otherwise I couldn't make heads or tails of it.  In fact it frightened me a little.  It is probably only because I grew up during the 80s on a steady diet of hiding under our desks practicing for the event of a nuclear holocaust, watching "Red Dawn," and ingesting other Cold War propaganda.  I don't know why the propaganda here was so effective, but I can't hear Russian in a coffee shop without breaking out in a cold sweat, scoping for the quickest route to the exit, and crossing my fingers that the "Wolverines" show up soon.  Of course as a mathematician, that is also what happens to me any time any one talks to me or makes an abrupt movement in my direction.

Speaking of coffee shops, you did mention in your (thankfully English) cover letter that the results of your paper were regarding "the effects and impacts of dry coffee creamer on the consistency, volume and taste qualities of freshly brewed caffeinated beverages in general and hot coffee in particular."  I guess that is not too scary.  I must have braved-up a lot by marrying an East German  (who has the bad habit of shouting "Halt - Oder ich schieße!" whenever I come into a room...). 

So I will take a deep breath and reject your piece.  The rejection is not due to any flaw in your conclusion (remember, I didn't even read it), but rather is decreed by the most recent round of SALT talks (Strategic Acceptance Limitation Treaty).

Remember, I come in peace.  Please do not hurt me.

Glasnost and perestroika,
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Journal of Universal Rejection

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