Rejection letters, correspondence, and miscellanea from the otherwise empty annals of the Journal of Universal Rejection.

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Thursday, August 4, 2011


We received a submission from James Holdpants (BA,MA,BMF) which we'll decline to print but maybe you can guess what it was.

Dear Mr. Holdpants,

Thank you for submitting your untitled pearl-of-wisdom to the Journal of Universal Rejection.

Although your piece is short, I have a prime number of follow-up questions:
(1) My roof doesn't need fixing, though granted it will in a couple years.  When shall I start courting the daughter?
(2) What shall homeowners like myself do?
(3) Does it work if your landlord is a landlady?
(4) Will this technique work for doors, windows, or large appliances?
(5) Do you have quantitative data showing this technique is effective?
(6) Won't it be a bit crowded with the landlord's children out-of-wedlock running around everywhere?
and finally,
(7) I'm married, do you think that'll be a problem?

Thank you,

Caleb Emmons, PhD
Journal of Universal Rejection

Dr. Emmons:
Thank you for your sage and provocative inquiry, identifying the yawning holes in my logic stream. However, I must point out that, just as lemons make lemonade and limes make michelada, faulty logic can make for interesting times:
1.       ASAP.  She’s not going to move in with just any yahoo wandering in off the street with a leaky roof.
2.       Homeowners are pretty much out of luck, unless you change “landlord” to “roofing company owner”.
3.       Works the same; everybody knows that mom doesn’t want her precious little muffin getting wet, even if she is living with a lowlife.
4.       Maybe.  Depends whether or not she was disowned when she moved in with you.  Worth a try, though.
5.       My cousin in Chicago does it all the time.  My son tried to do it, but so far all he’s gotten for his trouble are babies.  So results are somewhat mixed.
6.       Good point (see 5).
7.       Not if your wife is open-minded, imaginative, and bi-curious.  Before it’s all over, you may not care that the roof is leaking!

Hope this helps.

Yours in literariness,

 Dear James,

Thank you.  I suspect you are a mountebank.  A roofing company owner just trying to increase your business or marry off your daughters.  You've strummed your siren banjo music once too many times in mine ears. 

Therefore I reject your submission.  Any objection to our correspondence going on the blog? 


Or both!

Mountebank—sounds impressive!  Since the people I consort with won’t know what it means, I could easily convince them that I am a Canadian G-man who puts evil financial types in the slammer, undercover of course.

Objection?  Absolutely not!  Rejection is my middle name!

Yours in glorious mountebankery,

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