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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

As Easy as (Dutch) Apple Pie

Dear René,

The Journal of Universal Rejection is overjoyed to receive yet another submission in Dutch.  As you may remember from here, I don't speak Dutch.  We do have at least one editor on our board that does, but I wouldn't want to bother him with a submission.  So I will tackle this one myself. 

Here is my proposed method.  I will randomly grab a sentence from your document.  With my limited knowledge of German and (admittedly limited) knowledge of English I should be able to pry apart the sentence enough to read it, since Dutch seems to be what you get when you put three English-speaking inchworms and a German-speaking bumblebee in a tin can and shake it until they lose their ability to spell. 

The sentence I plan to dissect is:
"Bent u op zoek naar kwaliteit, waarheid en eerlijkheid, dan is dit boek een eye-opener van de eerste orde."

Ok, here goes.  My plan is to make several passes at it:

1st pass: 
"Bent you up, Zeke, nur Qualitaet, Wahrheit und Ehrlichkeit, dann is this book ein eye-opener von der erste order."
2nd pass:
"Bent you up, Zeke.  Only quality, truth, and honesty, since this book is an eye-opener of the first order."
3rd pass:
"Let's wrestle, Zeke.  I will throw you to the ground, pin your eyes open with toothpicks, and instill you with morals by forcing you to read this book."

It appears you are threatening me.

Therefore I reject your submission.

Best regards,
Caleb

p.s. My name is not Zeke.

--
Caleb Emmons, PhD
Editor-in-Chief
Journal of Universal Rejection

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