Rejection letters, correspondence, and miscellanea from the otherwise empty annals of the Journal of Universal Rejection.

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Friday, June 3, 2011

Blibber Blatner

Preliminary abstract of as-yet-pre-first-draft paper:
   How to think good.
         This paper describes how to think good.
             Good thoughts in a good way.
    If you don't publish this, maybe you're bad. You don't want that, do you? Nooooo, I know you don't. So try. Try harder. ... no, a little harder... to the right... up a little,  up, up, and away... that's it.
          I await your first complimentary issue.

          Very humbly and sincerely,
Adam Blatner, M.D.

Dear Dr Blatner,
Thank you for your submission to the Journal of Universal Rejection. 

We liked your indenting and punctuation.  But indenting and punctuation alone do not cut it.  We're afraid that the rest of the submission did not warrant publication in our prestigious Journal.  Try not to take it too hard. 

Best regards, 

Caleb Emmons, PhD
Journal of Universal Rejection

Caleb, Caleb old buddy, Don't do this to me. This is my one shot to get published! My acamedic carer is at steik!    Look, I'll put in the punrcreation, the cumpturitin,  whatever,  the dots and dashes and spot... I'll wash your windows...
   Caleb, don't make me beg, man. 

    For me, for old times, for the good times, pleeez 

I'll lern to spel beter, 2.   Give me a brake. 
      My techer was texting alla time. How cud I lern to rite gud? 
   A for effort, y'know? 
           Don't reget my self-isteam. 

Your hummel and obedient survant (I read they uset 2 sine letres that way in the olden days) 


Dear Professor or doctor or somthing hoity-toity...
   A few months ago I did you the honor of submitting or threatening to submit some world-shaking insight for your publicational enjoyments, but you gave the puny excuse below. Let me flatter your ego by noting that your concept is faintly amusing to the less (or more) desperate, but I have saved my copy of our correspondence and will challenge your good (or bad) judgment to give me a break this one last time, no kidding.
   Perhaps mine is not the only item and you have accumulated sufficiently insightful pieces for a print-on-demand volume---so much more plausible than a decade past.
   If you are sufficiently apologetic, I'll allow you to respond. Otherwise, this is (sob) our final communication. From now on, it's up to    THE ANGELS   (ominous thumping music in the background)...

   Or perhaps I will let you write up your experiences for the Journal of (very) speculative philosophy. (It turns out there actually is a journal of speculative philosophy, so I had to stretch it.)

   I remain, your humble & etc.  Adam

Dear Adam,

We can't publish such Blibber Blatner.
Our printing press isn't made of rubber.

Video interlude:


Thank you for a lot of fun sir.

Best regards,

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